At last, a bit of a breakthrough! I saw the GP's counsellor the day before yesterday and was immediately able to strike up a rapport. Within about half an hour we'd figured out between us that depression is only part of what I'm experiencing. I'm traumatised. The window of tolerance within which I can comfortably operate has shrunk down to almost nothing. Any stimulation is sending me running for cover.
Post-traumatic stress has been a life long problem for me but I've never been given the label. And she's not giving me that label now. It is one way of looking at what I am going through. So why is this happening now? Well, there have been many possible triggers over the last few months but actually I think this is part of a longer pattern that emerged with the onset of my CFS. A few weeks ago I talked about the 'dinosaur in the room'. There is something in my past I still have to process and resolve. For now there are some dinosaurettes that are clumping around my psyche in their dirty boots. Giving them the push may give me enough room to deal with the larger issues. Or not. I don't really know. What I do know is I'm not going to be abandoned with this. Help is on its way.
Whatever happens next it is a huge relief to know I'm not going mad. I felt like I was losing all my internal frames of reference, even my sense of self was (is) under threat.
It has been, probably, twenty years since I've had such a large crisis. Or such an overt one I should say. In those days I resorted to drink, grand gestures, overeating, overworking and all sorts. These days it's cuddles and crochet that's getting me through - and you of course.