My neighbourhood suddenly became dead quiet around midnight. It was like everyone left and I’m the last one in the ghost town, not even a barking dog.
I had a shower and washed hair before the midnight. I guess it is Japanese way to welcome the new year with pure and clean spirit. I sat at the back veranda in the dark with Basil and waited for the new year.
It’s not hard to tell when the time came. I hear all the cheer and commotions from nearby Tavern and far-distant celebrating places. At the Tavern, they started counting down a couple of minutes early. Then, they managed to get it right at the second try. I hear several explosions, but there were no sights of fireworks.
While I hear cheers and celebration from the distance in the sudden make-shift ghost town, I cried.
I welcomed 2011 with hope and anticipations. It ended up as one of the most disastrous years in my life.
The early part of the year, I visited to the Marketplace with the enthusiastic invite from the woman I met at the surgery waiting room. It ended up destroying the small build-up energy reserve I had accumulated. I still havent recovered from it. I’m angry at myself that I trusted her promise to push me in wheelchair and help to get through the Marketplace.
To her, talking with me is such an ecstatic experience because I can understand her difficulty and frustration from her medical condition. Sadly, the experience isn’t mutual. The visit to the Marketplace was the last reality check I needed to realise that she just cannot get to understand how sick I am and I don’t have mental illness… Unlike she thinks, I also know we are very different people.
In the middle of the year, I tried to find a casual personal assistant with the encouragement and support of kind and concerned UK friends. It was ”mission impossible”. One of them found an online carer agent. The discovery of the agent made the level of my hope shooting up to the sky.
The woman I was organising the pre-agreement meeting suddenly stopped the communication. Then, a scarcely looking man waited near the disability parking bay for me to show up for the regular medical appointment. He stalked me in the wheelchair to the surgery waiting room, the chemist, then back to the surgery. The second time, he didn’t follow me to the waiting room, but kept stared at me from outside of the front door.
This experience traumatised me. The online agent didn’t take my concern seriously. I’m still too scared to log in the online agent to try find the casual personal assistant I desperately need. My sky-high hope was knocked down to disastrous disappointment….
Then, the year ended with losing the caring GP who was my one-man support group. It is a devastating loss as he meant so much to my chronically-ill-and-disabled life and was a source of my hope. It also means that I lost the only regular meaningful human contact that kept my mental health intact. I know that the new GP won’t treat me proactively, therefore, I cannot expect the similar support from him.
So…, I don’t know what to expect from 2012. I’m already worried about being in complete isolation and the intense loneliness. There is no hope and no prospect left for me…
I made a small new year’s resolution. I’m going to refresh my knowledge about music theory and writing skill.
I’ve studied music theory a very long time ago. I forgot most of it. I think music in Japanese. While refreshing the knowledge in English, I also covert the language base for music to English. It would be a good exercise for my brain, too.
I like writing. Currently, writing is my therapy and coping tool.
I see that “writing” could give opportunity to earn some income even while I’m housebound and mainly resting in bed. I know my writing is not at the level to make money. Since English is not my mother tongue, I make silly mistakes. With ME cognitive problem, I get easily confused while writing. So, I want to improve the skill. Even if it won’t give me income earning opportunity, it will improve confidence. I don’t know what kind of writer I want to be. I believe it will come to me as my writing skill improves.
Although I noticed a little improvement in my cognitive function, it is still not good enough to undertake formal education. My brain still gets exhausted easily and needs extra rest to recover. Information and sensory stimuli overload is still very bad and part of my disability. However, there are some free online learning opportunities to satisfy my purpose. I can keep my extremely slow pace with lots of rest in between. I can do this in my bed, only when I can. And I hope, this can somehow rehabilitate my brain function as long as I keep the learning within the limitation.
I would also love to read the books I have. At this point, it seems asking too much. I’m trying to tell myself that it is possible when I look at 12 months time flame, not just a couple of months.
Sadly, I don’t know what I can do to my loneliness. There is no opportunity or help for me. My problem is so bad that changing the way of thinking won’t help. I’m at the point that I must be aware of the real problem and must not deny it. The real problem is not “how I think”, but it is the situation that “I’m too ill to go out and make friends”. Some degree of isolation is good as it gives the opportunity to rest properly and maintain own mental peace. However, complete isolation is harmful. As a human, I need regular meaningful in-person interaction with fellow human beings. It is the basic necessity for a human to feel happy and motivated. There is a risk that not having it will cause serious mental problem.
I may be a strong person, but there is a limitation to how much a human can take, especially a human who doesn’t have the basic human needs .
I’m here in the new year 2012. All I can recognise at the moment is the emotional numbness.
Be the first to like this post.
My neighbourhood suddenly became dead quiet around midnight. It was like everyone left and I’m the last one in the ghost town, not even a barking dog.
I had a shower and washed hair before the midnight. I guess it is Japanese way to welcome the new year with pure and clean spirit. I sat at the back veranda in the dark with Basil and waited for the new year.
It’s not hard to tell when the time came. I hear all the cheer and commotions from nearby Tavern and far-distant celebrating places. At the Tavern, they started counting down a couple of minutes early. Then, they managed to get it right at the second try. I hear several explosions, but there were no sights of fireworks.
While I hear cheers and celebration from the distance in the sudden make-shift ghost town, I cried.
I welcomed 2011 with hope and anticipations. It ended up as one of the most disastrous years in my life.
The early part of the year, I visited to the Marketplace with the enthusiastic invite from the woman I met at the surgery waiting room. It ended up destroying the small build-up energy reserve I had accumulated. I still havent recovered from it. I’m angry at myself that I trusted her promise to push me in wheelchair and help to get through the Marketplace.
To her, talking with me is such an ecstatic experience because I can understand her difficulty and frustration from her medical condition. Sadly, the experience isn’t mutual. The visit to the Marketplace was the last reality check I needed to realise that she just cannot get to understand how sick I am and I don’t have mental illness… Unlike she thinks, I also know we are very different people.
In the middle of the year, I tried to find a casual personal assistant with the encouragement and support of kind and concerned UK friends. It was ”mission impossible”. One of them found an online carer agent. The discovery of the agent made the level of my hope shooting up to the sky.
The woman I was organising the pre-agreement meeting suddenly stopped the communication. Then, a scarcely looking man waited near the disability parking bay for me to show up for the regular medical appointment. He stalked me in the wheelchair to the surgery waiting room, the chemist, then back to the surgery. The second time, he didn’t follow me to the waiting room, but kept stared at me from outside of the front door.
This experience traumatised me. The online agent didn’t take my concern seriously. I’m still too scared to log in the online agent to try find the casual personal assistant I desperately need. My sky-high hope was knocked down to disastrous disappointment….
Then, the year ended with losing the caring GP who was my one-man support group. It is a devastating loss as he meant so much to my chronically-ill-and-disabled life and was a source of my hope. It also means that I lost the only regular meaningful human contact that kept my mental health intact. I know that the new GP won’t treat me proactively, therefore, I cannot expect the similar support from him.
So…, I don’t know what to expect from 2012. I’m already worried about being in complete isolation and the intense loneliness. There is no hope and no prospect left for me…
I made a small new year’s resolution. I’m going to refresh my knowledge about music theory and writing skill.
I’ve studied music theory a very long time ago. I forgot most of it. I think music in Japanese. While refreshing the knowledge in English, I also covert the language base for music to English. It would be a good exercise for my brain, too.
I like writing. Currently, writing is my therapy and coping tool.
I see that “writing” could give opportunity to earn some income even while I’m housebound and mainly resting in bed. I know my writing is not at the level to make money. Since English is not my mother tongue, I make silly mistakes. With ME cognitive problem, I get easily confused while writing. So, I want to improve the skill. Even if it won’t give me income earning opportunity, it will improve confidence. I don’t know what kind of writer I want to be. I believe it will come to me as my writing skill improves.
Although I noticed a little improvement in my cognitive function, it is still not good enough to undertake formal education. My brain still gets exhausted easily and needs extra rest to recover. Information and sensory stimuli overload is still very bad and part of my disability. However, there are some free online learning opportunities to satisfy my purpose. I can keep my extremely slow pace with lots of rest in between. I can do this in my bed, only when I can. And I hope, this can somehow rehabilitate my brain function as long as I keep the learning within the limitation.
I would also love to read the books I have. At this point, it seems asking too much. I’m trying to tell myself that it is possible when I look at 12 months time flame, not just a couple of months.
Sadly, I don’t know what I can do to my loneliness. There is no opportunity or help for me. My problem is so bad that changing the way of thinking won’t help. I’m at the point that I must be aware of the real problem and must not deny it. The real problem is not “how I think”, but it is the situation that “I’m too ill to go out and make friends”. Some degree of isolation is good as it gives the opportunity to rest properly and maintain own mental peace. However, complete isolation is harmful. As a human, I need regular meaningful in-person interaction with fellow human beings. It is the basic necessity for a human to feel happy and motivated. There is a risk that not having it will cause serious mental problem.
I may be a strong person, but there is a limitation to how much a human can take, especially a human who doesn’t have the basic human needs .
I’m here in the new year 2012. All I can recognise at the moment is the emotional numbness.