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Vivid Memories from One Year Ago Today

Posted Dec 04 2012 11:48pm


December 4, 2011

Hannah passed away at 10:10 pm on Sunday night, December 4th, in my arms after a weekend surrounded by all of her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and good friends.

Hannah ready for this holiday

Today was the one-year mark since Hannah passed away.   I don’t know what word you would call it – I don’t like “angelversary” because any “versary” sounds like a happy achievement.  This is anything but.

I tried so hard to make today be “just another day.”   But for the past few weeks, leading up to today, it has been tearing at my heart.

One year.

I can’t stop reliving that last night.   It is so vivid still, as if it just recently happened.  I wish the memories of her last night would not be so strong.   It is not how I want to remember her, yet I can’t seem to stop reliving it in my mind.     That night was so emotionally exhausting…

My daughter died.  In my arms.  I saw the signs of her body start to shut down … and then she was gone.   She was physically still there, but her soul, her spirit was gone.  Forever.

I held her for an hour or two after she passed, maybe shorter, I can’t remember.  I had such a difficult time letting go of her when the hospice came to take her away.  I don’t think I realized then that I would never, ever see her again.

I took today off from work.  Spent time at the cemetery getting her grave ready for the holiday and polishing up her marker so it is clean and shiny.  Cried…a lot.

I was hoping that after a year it would be easier, and perhaps in some ways it has because I have been able to put up a good face in front of people.

I’m so terribly sad.   I miss her so much.   I need her back.   She truly made me whole… and now I feel forever broken hearted.


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