I would not say that I am at a loss for words. I am at a loss to write out my true thoughts. I find that the more honesty I put forth the more vulnerable that makes me. Vulnerability is not really my strong suite. In fact I took a personality profile once that pinned me as flat out defensive. But - I will pursue freedom by continuing forward in honesty. Being that this is a blog it feels really strange to stand here and (yes... I am actually standing) and proclaim these things - but if I look at it as a journal that will help others and motivate me to move forward then I guess it is worth it.
speaking of worth it.... I had a long conversation about life and godliness with a dear friend of mine yesterday. She begged me just by sharing her thoughts to remember that "it is going to be worth it". this line comes from a very powerful song that means so much to both of us and our pursuit of christ. I can't even pretend to know what that means today but I will know again one day - not again but anew. I will know.
Her husband... a beautiful, strong, faithful man of God (ALMOST as amazing as my own "Babe") who will one day soon be walking alongside my husband in ministry. We can't wait!! Anyway he shared with me a quote. It is one I will live by. It is hope.
"I prayed for Faith, and thought that some day Faith would come down and strike me like lightning. But Faith did not seem to come. One day I read in the tenth chapter of Romans, 'Now Faith cometh by hearing, and the hearing by the Word of God.' I had closed my Bible, and prayed for Faith. I now opened by Bible, and began to study, and Faith has been growing ever since." DL Moody
Something I have learned about myself.... All my life I have been building my formula. The one that tells me who I am - who john's wife is, what a mom of 2 perfect boys looks like, who runs 220, who makes life in our home work and who doesn't need or want anyone's help. My formulas also told me who God is, how i interact with him, how he works in peoples lives and how he doesn't. I had a formula that keeps it all making sense. then the "mystery of God" was this beautiful thing that I did not understand.
It sounds silly but really, I would hear one sermon and thing "that's it! that makes sense" and I would adjust my life too it - mix it into the formula. Then I would see another person live and hear their philosophies and I would think "wow! that makes sense too!" and another and another! I fear in the christian life I am not the only one who has forgotten to look to God, our individual creator, and has looked to others around us - the church, other people, books - to decide our formula. the only problem with these is that these are all just people - like us - that have learned something of God then shared it with the world. maybe they presented it as a formula or maybe we (hang on... "I") made it one. but they are just thoughts. just ideas. many of them good. but many, many, many of them just wrong.
So, then on October 22nd all of my formulas stopped working. I couldn't do anything by myself, my life wasn't perfect, my son wasn't going to be the 3rd perfect blond haired blue eyed child that played gracefully in the back yard (so we thought! :) ). I couldn't figure out how to communicate with God that would make him do what I needed. What I desperately needed... Kyle hurt, my marriage hurt, my boys hurt, I hurt - all the time. and no prayer, no formula, nothing I had a grip on could get me out! as of that day I lost my formulas for life.
I closed my bible and begged God for a new faith - really I was begging for a new formula. Everyone one I knew with a less than perfect, or maybe I should be using the word easy, life was at a distance. Women that had lost a child, women with disabled children, people starving, people homeless or with out a job. They were all at a distance. All of the sudden I became one of them. Wow - feels shallow to admit it but this has thrown me for a loop. My foundation was built on formulas, formulas that told me who I was, how to act, how to be. they stopped working and my foundation was gone.
I know a beautiful woman with a son who is autistic. She is a friend of a friend. and this is what my friend told me the other day. She said that if her son was to say one word to her, just one word - she would say that healing has come. However I am asking for a whole sentence that comes out sounding just like his big brothers to consider "healing" to have come. my dear friend reminded me that Kyle has been healed.
Can you believe that me, his own mom, would need a reminder.... I did. and it did me wonders. Kyle has been created and healed to be who he is. I want so much for him. I love him desperately.
On Feb 12 the day of kyle's MRI results, I shut my bible and just begged for a new formula.
I will today open my bible and let faith come by hearing and hearing by the word of God.