Ive been tossing back and forth ideas in my head about what, and how to say things. Theres a lot of things running around up there, and none of them want to come out and make sense…Should I write about work, the house, the latest with the neighbor (a story that really sucks…), the kids, the weather….The only problem is theyve been up there a bit to long, and arent make much sense to me anymore….either thats good or bad…im not quite sure. But I finally decided on the kids…
Its a really weird set up, the state, one that Im still not completely able to understand. Where things stand now, Im basically waiting to be “re evaluated” and see if Im back in or not. If im in…then we move on, and I continue to try and complete the endless list. If Im not, then its more “therapy” more drugs, and more bs.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about them lately…Ive had to take them each as individuals and seperate them in my mind, because they all landed in one lump known as “The kids” or occasionally “The oldest”..I separated them up, and uncategorized them…and there they sat. Three faces. Three names. Three lives. Three……and then thoughts began to swarm and overwhelm me. Thoughts started out small, but very important….and gradually grew some….What will they eat? Wear? Do? How will they adjust? Will they want to stay here? What about school? School clothes? Daycare? Babysitters? Where will they sleep? What if they wont? What if they flunk? What if I forget one of them somewhere? What if they get lost? What if they run off? What if they get hurt? or sick? or worse?? What if they too die? What then? How are they going to deal? How ARE they dealing? On and on and on and on…..thoughts came from nowhere, thoughts Id never thought before…..until I could no longer handle it and started yelling…and ran out of the house….as if that was going to stop things.
By the time I had managed to calm myself down and think logically about things, the thoughts began slowly filtering in, and I either tossed them, or took them, dealt with them, and filed them away. I think I managed to get through maybe….5 thoughts, at the most. The rest are still outside.
I got to thinking about how really, I dont even know them anymore….sure…I know there names….and if enough thought is applied I can ease out the ages. Thats about as deep as it goes. Its been almost a year since Ive had them, and when I did have them…well….when I was there? I wasnt paying as much attention to them as I should have. I worked nights. They were at school most of the day….with Madi & Dylan, I saw maybe……3-4 hours of them a day…the other two were just simply….objects….interrupting, mess making, screaming, loud, objects. Dinner was either pizza…or something along the lines of easy enough…no mess…no hassle. If they did their homework…great…if not…..seriously GREAT…because that meant I had to help them. Close to an hour before I headed to work, Id head them off to get ready for bed, make need adjustments to them, and call the bbsitter. No I didnt pre-find one. Everything was last minute. Thursdays I was forced to clean, and stuff everything into the closest closet, make what kids were home, decent, and wait for the state to come by and evaluate things. It was basically a day to day kind of thing. It had to be, anything more than that was to much. Towards the end of the time with them, I had started paying a little more attention to them, giving them a little more than basic needs. It was a constant battle, keeping things in order, and I just didnt want to deal with it. When I lost my job…the kids went too….
Its been almost a year now…amazing the things that seemed ok back then, to look back on, make me wonder why I even had them in the first place…Its hard….hard to explain…hard to decide…..hard to do.
Three kids (or if you count then, four) None of them were mine. Getting through each day was a constant struggle. Something I wanted no part of….drinking was involved a lot back then as well. When the only thing I wanted was my daughter, and the only thing I had was four kids that werent mine…things simply didnt seem fair. They werent….but I wasnt the only one going through it….they were too. Madi & Dylan were dealing with life better than I was, and theirs had been turned upside down. Talking wasnt encouraged, atleast not by me…if they talked…they might question something…..and I might not have an answer. Its amazing they made it this far….
Looking back, its easy to see things that need to be changed, or should have been changed, or WOULD be changed….IF…we could go back….Ive spent a lot of my time standing, gazing into the past….having fond memories…wanting to go back, and change things…make it more…..story book like? But I cant go back….and Ive tried….many times…..because the past seems more welcoming to me…..its been a constant struggle, and only recently have I managed to turn around and start heading for the unknown, the distant, unfamiliar, unwelcoming future. Theres no way back…..theres no way around it….theres only forward….
And suddenly it all makes sense…when they told me “You cant even go back there….you can only go forward”
Ive been tossing back and forth ideas in my head about what, and how to say things. Theres a lot of things running around up there, and none of them want to come out and make sense…Should I write about work, the house, the latest with the neighbor (a story that really sucks…), the kids, the weather….The only problem is theyve been up there a bit to long, and arent make much sense to me anymore….either thats good or bad…im not quite sure. But I finally decided on the kids…
Its a really weird set up, the state, one that Im still not completely able to understand. Where things stand now, Im basically waiting to be “re evaluated” and see if Im back in or not. If im in…then we move on, and I continue to try and complete the endless list. If Im not, then its more “therapy” more drugs, and more bs.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about them lately…Ive had to take them each as individuals and seperate them in my mind, because they all landed in one lump known as “The kids” or occasionally “The oldest”..I separated them up, and uncategorized them…and there they sat. Three faces. Three names. Three lives. Three……and then thoughts began to swarm and overwhelm me. Thoughts started out small, but very important….and gradually grew some….What will they eat? Wear? Do? How will they adjust? Will they want to stay here? What about school? School clothes? Daycare? Babysitters? Where will they sleep? What if they wont? What if they flunk? What if I forget one of them somewhere? What if they get lost? What if they run off? What if they get hurt? or sick? or worse?? What if they too die? What then? How are they going to deal? How ARE they dealing? On and on and on and on…..thoughts came from nowhere, thoughts Id never thought before…..until I could no longer handle it and started yelling…and ran out of the house….as if that was going to stop things.
By the time I had managed to calm myself down and think logically about things, the thoughts began slowly filtering in, and I either tossed them, or took them, dealt with them, and filed them away. I think I managed to get through maybe….5 thoughts, at the most. The rest are still outside.
I got to thinking about how really, I dont even know them anymore….sure…I know there names….and if enough thought is applied I can ease out the ages. Thats about as deep as it goes. Its been almost a year since Ive had them, and when I did have them…well….when I was there? I wasnt paying as much attention to them as I should have. I worked nights. They were at school most of the day….with Madi & Dylan, I saw maybe……3-4 hours of them a day…the other two were just simply….objects….interrupting, mess making, screaming, loud, objects. Dinner was either pizza…or something along the lines of easy enough…no mess…no hassle. If they did their homework…great…if not…..seriously GREAT…because that meant I had to help them. Close to an hour before I headed to work, Id head them off to get ready for bed, make need adjustments to them, and call the bbsitter. No I didnt pre-find one. Everything was last minute. Thursdays I was forced to clean, and stuff everything into the closest closet, make what kids were home, decent, and wait for the state to come by and evaluate things. It was basically a day to day kind of thing. It had to be, anything more than that was to much. Towards the end of the time with them, I had started paying a little more attention to them, giving them a little more than basic needs. It was a constant battle, keeping things in order, and I just didnt want to deal with it. When I lost my job…the kids went too….
Its been almost a year now…amazing the things that seemed ok back then, to look back on, make me wonder why I even had them in the first place…Its hard….hard to explain…hard to decide…..hard to do.
Three kids (or if you count then, four) None of them were mine. Getting through each day was a constant struggle. Something I wanted no part of….drinking was involved a lot back then as well. When the only thing I wanted was my daughter, and the only thing I had was four kids that werent mine…things simply didnt seem fair. They werent….but I wasnt the only one going through it….they were too. Madi & Dylan were dealing with life better than I was, and theirs had been turned upside down. Talking wasnt encouraged, atleast not by me…if they talked…they might question something…..and I might not have an answer. Its amazing they made it this far….
Looking back, its easy to see things that need to be changed, or should have been changed, or WOULD be changed….IF…we could go back….Ive spent a lot of my time standing, gazing into the past….having fond memories…wanting to go back, and change things…make it more…..story book like? But I cant go back….and Ive tried….many times…..because the past seems more welcoming to me…..its been a constant struggle, and only recently have I managed to turn around and start heading for the unknown, the distant, unfamiliar, unwelcoming future. Theres no way back…..theres no way around it….theres only forward….
And suddenly it all makes sense…when they told me “You cant even go back there….you can only go forward”