After I got off the phone with my husband, I went straight to Michael’s to buy new decorations. It had been two weeks since I had been to the cemetery, longest I have ever been away, and I don’t know how long her area had been like this. I couldn’t let it stay like that one minute longer.
What happened today threw me into a major funk. I was so upset, so lost, and felt so violated. I know that this was just the straw that broke my proverbial back because I have been under a lot of stress these past few weeks including Mother’s Day coming up.
After Michael’s, I went home to get the decorations ready and just went into my bedroom, crawled into bed, sulked, and eventually fell asleep for an hour.
When I woke up, my husband, kids, and I went to the cemetery together and redecorated Hannah’s area. Missing some knick-knacks, but I will get those this weekend.
Irrationality. My head says it is just things. It doesn’t replace our memories. But my heart is freaking out because I feel like someone took something from her, from me. I always felt safe visiting Hannah at the cemetery, but now I’m always going to go there afraid of what I might find or what I might not find.
Irrationality. Instead of going every couple of weeks to visit, I am going to go more often again. If this happens again, I can’t let her have empty vases that long. Empty vases means not caring. I want Hannah to always know that we are thinking of her, missing her, and still wanting to take care of her.
I am dealing with the hands I have been dealt – some of them great, some of them really crappy, some of them encouraging, some of them destructive. It is what it is – irrationality and all.