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some musings here... nothing urgent about asher. just me and my faith journey. so don't feel you need to read if you don't want

Posted Oct 18 2010 12:12pm
a quick heads-up before you read: please don't misunderstand me, here. i'm not out to criticize anyone's faith, i'm not trying to say that i'm right and "they" are wrong ("they," for lack of a better term). right now i'm thinking about my own faith, and merely using other people's as a foil for my own. nothing more. also, i think i ramble a bit... ok, a lot. sorry. again, don't feel that you need to read this post if you don't want to. i'm just thrashing my way through some faith-type questions. ok, you may proceed to the rest of the post now, if you so choose.

i've been reading a few other blogs lately, and i find myself wondering today...

about my faith in God...

not "do i have faith," because i do... but maybe more like... i don't know...

here's the thing
i'm sure there are people out there, probably who read this blog, who pray that God will heal asher, that he'll have a whole heart and he'll be fine and grow up strong and healthy.

but i'm not one of those people. i asked God for that "big H" healing, and He said "no, that's not the miracle I'm going to do here." so i don't ask God to heal asher.

i've also accepted the 70% chance that asher will grow up. i live in the 70%, but i still hold that 30.

i don't see asher's complications and bouts of failure and infections and weird what-nots as being the work of satan, as some people see illness. i see them as the natural results of HLHS and a compromised immune system and mildly wonky kidneys and epilepsy. i see them as semi-expected (albeit loathesome) bumps along asher's path. and i see them as opportunities to look for God (and find Him)... which i do.

i don't know... is there something wrong with me, that i simply accept that this is the way it is? that i don't see evil forces at work when asher gets sick? and i'm being honest here. sometimes i look at others' faith and go, "why don't i believe like that?" and even, if i'm honest, "should i believe that way?"

but every time i start to think that way, i hear a still, small voice that says, "your faith is just fine. keep this faith."

maybe i'm tired right now, and that's why i'm wondering. i mean, just this morning when i posted, i asked specifically that you not pray for a miracle, but rather that asher would continue to show these symptoms tomorrow and they would find something.

again, please don't get me wrong. i want asher to be healthy. i want this to pass. i want this to never, ever happen again. i want him to grow up and be strong and not have to worry about high-fat diets, and high-iron diets (sometimes his haemoglobin is a little low), and high-protein/carb diets (he might be hypoglycemic, on top of everything else), and low-sodium diets. i want his heart - this heart, the heart he was born with - to carry him through a long life. i want this heart to stop failing. i want him to get married and have children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. i want him to stay out of hospitals - even out of emerg - for ever, going back only for yearly check-ups. i want him to hate echoes and ECGs and BP cuffs and sat probes and stethoscopes. i want him to say, "who's dokker caldarone?" instead of "i not want to see dr russell. she boring. i want to see dokker caldarone." (believe it or not, that's a direct quote from this morning.) i want him to react and to tell me when he's dizzy, short of breath, refluxing, because i want those things to be rare anomalies in his life instead of the norm.

but i know that this isn't likely going to be the way it is. his heart will continue to give him problems. he will always have to be careful. he can't live a fully normal life. sure, he'll come close, because that's the type of person he is. but he won't be able to race motorcycles (he told me the other week that he wants to do that when he grows up). and he can't go on roller coasters, and his endurance won't be like other kids (no soccer or cross-country for him). there are days i wish i didn't know what it was like to get bad news from a doc. i wish i didn't have the number for SickKids memorized (sadly, i do, and it's in my phone just in case i get too flustered to recall it). i wish he didn't know that emerg = popsicles and stickers. i wish i didn't know what each cardio's specialty is, and that i didn't have favourite emerg docs.

and yet... this is our reality.

and i accept it. i roll with it all.

and i still maintain that it is God who set this journey for us, who "allows" these things to happen. this is how i see CHF, etc. it's like the weather. God set up these systems to function a certain way, and so they do. sure, there's crappy weather systems like hurricanes and floods and ice storms and droughts and so forth. but they're called "natural disasters" for a reason. it means that these are simply the natural way that weather works sometimes, even though they're harsh. well, it's the same with CHF, for example. asher was given a heart that is not designed to sustain life. and even with all the surgeries, it is still pretty much par for the course. when you have half a heart, you will run into trouble from time to time.

but i see God in these things. God can be and is right there, even in the middle of "natural disasters." i don't believe that God is some distant "intelligent creator" who made these things and then sits back and watches how it all plays out. i believe that God is real, present, and personal. i believe that He is active in asher's journey. i mean, really, how can i not believe that, when i know that asher should have died so many times already? i see God everywhere along this journey, so i simply cannot brush Him off and say, "look at the crap He left us with."

but... since i believe that God is active in asher's life... i don't know... what does it say about my own faith when i don't ask God for huge miracles anymore? what does it say about me that i don't give satan credit when asher gets sick? i mean, other people seem to see the devil at work in HLHS, so... shouldn't i?

and yet, here's the thing: i am actually cool with my faith. i enjoy it; i have peace and assurance of God's presence with me when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. and sure, it may not work for everyone, but it works for me. i know that no two people's faith are going to look the same. my faith in God has carried me through some pretty dark times, and not just with asher, either. i don't know...

maybe i should just stop reading other blogs. (right. because that's gonna happen.) or maybe i should just accept my weird faith for what it is... a lifeline, a comfort... maybe a little off of the mainstream, but it gets me through the day.

i have accepted asher's condition. and i trust God completely with my littlest man's life and "health." when God said "no" to the healing, i had one request: "You made him this way, so You sustain him this way." and so far, he has. i can (and do) give credit to the docs and surgeons and nurses and dietitians and so forth and to asher himself for getting us through CHF and sepsis and feeding issues and illnesses and surgeries... but i also know that, if it isn't God's will for asher to get through all those things, he won't.

please don't think i'm ok with the idea that my son won't grow up. i'm not. it breaks my heart every time i think about it. (so i don't think about it very often, and it's one reason why i just focus on the day we have instead of some horrible, heartbreaking, unknown future.) i want my baby to grow up, and i will fight like hell and do everything i can to make sure he does. yes, i'm aware of that 30%... but i live in the 70. that's the number i cling to. that's the number i remind myself of. when everything seems to be going wrong and my baby is dying and i'm scared out of my mind that i'll lose him, that 70% helps me to breathe one more time... and once more after that... and once more after that.

i almost wrote there, "God is in that 70%." but then i realized... that's true... but...

God is in that 30%, too.

which i guess leaves... if my math is correct (and math was never my forte)... and i think i'm right here...

0% room for satan, if God is in the whole 100%, right? is that weird? does that make sense to anyone else? am i just burying my head in the sand about the devil here? i mean, so many other people see him at work in things like failure and sepsis and CHD in general. is it strange that i don't?

i cling to two verses for this journey, and they kind of answer what i'm trying to thrash my way through here today. so i'll leave you with these verses, to ponder and enjoy as much as i do
I praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, i know that full well.
                            Psalm 139: 14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
                            Jeremiah 29:11
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