I originally started this blog to simply remember. To remember the emotions we went through and how we felt when we first learned of Gage's health issues. I remember everything as though it happened yesterday and the pain is still so very much real. I remember daily drives to the hospital being so tired and emotional, feeling deserted by friends, feeling helpless, questioning a world in which I lived in and how it could bring so much pain to one family, and wondering how in the heck I was going to keep it together.
I was originally going to leave this emotional time I had with one particular doctor out as I didn't want to ruin my blog and have her comments in it. But in life, we sometimes just have to deal with the memories whether they be good or bad. I really like to think good and bad memories form us into the people we are today and it's what we do with the bad stuff that truly makes us test our strength, dignity and character.
I was really, really struggling. I was so damn tired. I remember getting up every morning usually around 5 am nursing Taiga (Gage's twin), getting Sloan her breakfast ready to eat in the van and heading to the hospital. We would usually get stuck in the morning traffic jam on the deerfoot and sometimes sat there for 35 minutes. Normally we arrived at the hospital around 8 am. Sloan would play with the red coats (the volunteers in the hospital) and Gage's twin and I would sit in Gage's room visiting him. These are the times that I questioned.......Why me? Why Gage? Why is this happening? What kind of God does this to someone so helpless and so little?
I often begged and pleaded to him "Please, Please, Please don't allow him to go through any more pain, to please allow me to bear the brunt of anything else that is coming". I truly tried to keep thing as normal as possible for Sloan. School would start at 1 pm for her so we often would leave Gage's room at noon, just enough time for her to eat her lunch in the van and be dropped off in time to make it for school. We were all truly trying our best. I mean honestly, I really don't think I could have possible spread myself out anymore than what I was already doing.
This particular morning I was packing the stroller, getting Taiga in her car seat and getting ready to go get Sloan. Well this day, this particular doctor comes in and asks to speak with me.........."Certainly I tell her"...........the words that I was about to hear pierced right through my heart into my soul, those very words that she spoke punched me dead center in the stomach and instantly I felt the heat of the tears behind my eyes. "I feel you are not here enough to see your son, so what I am asking you is what can you commit to me for my time and tell me how you can be here more to see your son." The only way I can explain how I felt was shame, maybe I wasn't here enough, maybe my best wasn't good enough. Without looking up I wished her a good day gathered up my belongings and my daughters, and walked to the van with the tears streaming down my face. Got everybody into the van, put my head on the steering wheel and cried uncontrollably, my little daughter took her seatbelt off, crawled into the front of the van put her arms around me and told me everything was going to be okay. Gathering my senses I kissed her, and told her I loved her.
Drove the highway back to our city and took her to school. Once my pain subsided the anger settled in. Shame on you for making me feel more stressed in my trying situation, Shame on you for not finding out how family oriented we are, Shame on you for not finding the elements involved in our situation, and Shame on you for making me feel like an unworthy mother. As I write this my head swims with the hurtful things she said in Gage's hospital room but I know although we can try our best, sometimes for some people it always maybe not good enough.
Shame on you for your people skills, and may you never do this to somebody else in their weak, emotional mental state. Shame on you for not knowing that my arms ached without him at home, Shame on you for not knowing the 2.am hysterics wondering about life and death, Shame on you for not knowing the pain I had to console at home with his sisters, Shame on you for not knowing my husband aching for his son, SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on you!!!!!!!!!!
Lisa
I originally started this blog to simply remember. To remember the emotions we went through and how we felt when we first learned of Gage's health issues. I remember everything as though it happened yesterday and the pain is still so very much real. I remember daily drives to the hospital being so tired and emotional, feeling deserted by friends, feeling helpless, questioning a world in which I lived in and how it could bring so much pain to one family, and wondering how in the heck I was going to keep it together.
I was originally going to leave this emotional time I had with one particular doctor out as I didn't want to ruin my blog and have her comments in it. But in life, we sometimes just have to deal with the memories whether they be good or bad. I really like to think good and bad memories form us into the people we are today and it's what we do with the bad stuff that truly makes us test our strength, dignity and character.
I was really, really struggling. I was so damn tired. I remember getting up every morning usually around 5 am nursing Taiga (Gage's twin), getting Sloan her breakfast ready to eat in the van and heading to the hospital. We would usually get stuck in the morning traffic jam on the deerfoot and sometimes sat there for 35 minutes. Normally we arrived at the hospital around 8 am. Sloan would play with the red coats (the volunteers in the hospital) and Gage's twin and I would sit in Gage's room visiting him. These are the times that I questioned.......Why me? Why Gage? Why is this happening? What kind of God does this to someone so helpless and so little?
I often begged and pleaded to him "Please, Please, Please don't allow him to go through any more pain, to please allow me to bear the brunt of anything else that is coming". I truly tried to keep thing as normal as possible for Sloan. School would start at 1 pm for her so we often would leave Gage's room at noon, just enough time for her to eat her lunch in the van and be dropped off in time to make it for school. We were all truly trying our best. I mean honestly, I really don't think I could have possible spread myself out anymore than what I was already doing.
This particular morning I was packing the stroller, getting Taiga in her car seat and getting ready to go get Sloan. Well this day, this particular doctor comes in and asks to speak with me.........."Certainly I tell her"...........the words that I was about to hear pierced right through my heart into my soul, those very words that she spoke punched me dead center in the stomach and instantly I felt the heat of the tears behind my eyes. "I feel you are not here enough to see your son, so what I am asking you is what can you commit to me for my time and tell me how you can be here more to see your son." The only way I can explain how I felt was shame, maybe I wasn't here enough, maybe my best wasn't good enough. Without looking up I wished her a good day gathered up my belongings and my daughters, and walked to the van with the tears streaming down my face. Got everybody into the van, put my head on the steering wheel and cried uncontrollably, my little daughter took her seatbelt off, crawled into the front of the van put her arms around me and told me everything was going to be okay. Gathering my senses I kissed her, and told her I loved her.
Drove the highway back to our city and took her to school. Once my pain subsided the anger settled in. Shame on you for making me feel more stressed in my trying situation, Shame on you for not finding out how family oriented we are, Shame on you for not finding the elements involved in our situation, and Shame on you for making me feel like an unworthy mother. As I write this my head swims with the hurtful things she said in Gage's hospital room but I know although we can try our best, sometimes for some people it always maybe not good enough.
Shame on you for your people skills, and may you never do this to somebody else in their weak, emotional mental state. Shame on you for not knowing that my arms ached without him at home, Shame on you for not knowing the 2.am hysterics wondering about life and death, Shame on you for not knowing the pain I had to console at home with his sisters, Shame on you for not knowing my husband aching for his son, SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on you!!!!!!!!!!
Lisa