This week Eliza had another visit with her dentist. Eliza, being the Queen of Oral Defensiveness will not allow a tooth brush beyond her front teeth and even that attempt at brushing is, well let's just say no self-respecting hygienist would count it as tooth brushing. So instead of brushing nightly, only to have Eliza vomit, we visit the dentist pretty often for teeth cleanings.
As our gentle readers are aware, Eliza is no fan of doctors. An average doctor visit, without looking in ears or mouth and just a simple stethoscope to the chest, requires two adults to hold her down, in addition to the poor sod (a/k/a "the doctor") who is trying to listen to her chest. One visit with Eliza and any self-respecting male doctor knows to protect his groin area from an assault. As as a courtesy to said men and their groin areas, I take Eliza's shoes off immediately upon entering the exam room, so that the eventual foot jab to the groin isn't quite so painful as it would be with a sturdy StrideRite sneaker. Eliza's technique is something of a Jujitsu Groin Kick:
The dentist's office offers a particular challenge. Basically, I recline on the dental chair, holding Eliza in the Judo position known as HIZA-TORI-GARAMI (9th leglock or knee entanglement):
(as an aside ... I was on the Judo team in high school, so I can in fact perform hiza-tori-garami and many other painful moves on those of you post negative comments).
Once I have achieved the proper form of hiza-tori-garami, Joyce, Eliza's beloved nanny, puts Eliza in a basic head lock:
At the precise moment that the head lock is achieved, Lily, the wonderful hygienist, swoops in with her nifty tooth cleaning machine:
Lily is quickly followed by Dr. B who takes a good look at Eliza's pearly whites before allowing Eliza to break free from the multiple Judo holds. At the end of this invasion of Eliza's mouth (which probably lasts all of ten minutes), Eliza has clean teeth and is screaming "THIS WAY!!!" while pointing to the door.
Does it sound like a bit of torture? Maybe to some, but it is better for the moment than having the wee one gag every night at the sight of the tooth brush.
But the BEST part of going to this particular dentist is that he could give a rat's behind if Eliza screams, yells or even pukes on his floor. In fact, he specializes in treating kids with special needs who may not be overly thrilled about seeing a doctor or a dentist.
I decided quite some time ago that I was DONE apologizing to people, particularly doctors, for Eliza's differences. If it bothers a doctor that Eliza acts differently than his average pediatric patient, then perhaps he or she should have gone into a geriatric practice rather than a pediatric practice. Or maybe hang up a shingle that says "special needs kids need not apply." In any pediatric practice, children will be behave badly, special needs or no special needs. Dr. B routinely has to tell of parents of special needs kids to stop apologizing if their kids scream or throw tantrums. I am glad Eliza has a dentist who isn't expecting an apology for her behavior and who frankly discourages parents from apologizing.