**** UPDATE*** Another AT/RT mom commented and asked if she could tag this blog on her facebook page. Just wanted to let you all know that I am more than happy with you plastering Gavin's name all over the place to get more prayers. :) Thanks.
So, I'm just going to put it out there. I'm scared. It's beyond "scanxiety" or nervousness about what the MRI will tell us about what's happening to Gavin. It's fear. Real fear about what these symptoms mean for his future.
Because I had Gavin at home from preschool on Tuesday, I was able to see just how much his eyes had changed since Monday. Sometimes they both cross in. Many times it's just the right eye. And sometimes they just don't move in sync with one another. I watched it happen again and again and it simply broke my heart.
Jeff tucked him into bed. He said that out of nowhere Gavin started talking about how food makes him sick. He eventually talked into a great big circle and said it didn't make him sick and thanked Jeff for the food he ate for dinner. I'd like to think it meant nothing. My gut says otherwise. For those of you that don't remember (or didn't know Gavin back then), one of his initial symptoms of a brain tumor was nausea and vomiting. And he said that the food made him sick. Is it just a coincidence that he is saying this to Jeff? Oh, how I hope it is. But deep down, Jeff and I fear that Gavin knows that something is wrong with him.
Did I mention that my heart is breaking? Well, it is.
I cried myself to sleep, just pouring my heart out to God and thinking through some of the Bible verses about fear. I'm thankful that we have a God that we can be so honest with. We should be anyway. He already knows what we're feeling. I told God that I was so scared about what all of this means. That I didn't want to have to watch Gavin go through more than he already has before. That I didn't want to lose him to cancer. I remember God telling me the first time around that He too had watched his son suffer. Some may say I was too bold with this, but last night I told God that when He watched his son suffer, He had the luxury of knowing the great purpose that suffering would serve. He knew the end. And He knew it was victory for all who believed in Jesus. I didn't sense an anger from God for what I had to say to Him. More of a gentle nod and a big hug, knowing my pain and simply being glad I came to Him with it.
Oh, how I hope and pray that these symptoms go away and the MRI comes back clear!
Please pray for Gavin every time you think of him. You all know that I am a firm believer that prayer changes things. Spread the word. Tell your friends. Tell your family. Tell anyone you come into contact with. We'll gladly take all the prayer support for Gavin that we can get right now.
Psalm 38:9 You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.