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Nothing……

Posted Jul 10 2007 12:00am

Im confused, and mad, im frustrated, and really not sure of anything right now, im making no sense, so im not even going to try and understand myself or anything thats going on. Ive been on the edge with molly these past…well ever since i got her back, its been very nerve racking, just having her, and knowing whats going on with her little body, but not understand it, and knowing theres nothing i can physicaly do, I cant make her better, and I cant stop things. Tonight, she had another seizure, they havent really been that bad, theyve been scary as hell, just because the sight of the whole thing is, but tonight was different in a way. It scared everything out of me, and honestly, i thought i was watching her die. Its not a pretty thing. this whole thing, is just….killing me. I wasnt sure if she was going to wake up, it lasted longer than it has in the past, she stayed out longer than she has in the past, just….scary shit. I called her dr, who, obviously, wasnt in this time of night, but talked to someone who knew about it, and he said thats normal for what shes got going on, he said thats how its going to be, she’ll seem fine ,but eventually over time, she wont wake up, theres no sure time on when it will be, but thats how its going to happen, her seizures will progressivly get worse, and eventually will result in….well, her dieing. I hung up, and lost it. I just…..cant take anymore. im trying so fucking hard to hang on and be strong for her, but its so damn hard. watching her, it just kills me. theres no other way to say it, its just so hard. to top the night off, one of my really good friends is having a terrible time, and i dont know what to say, because i know theres nothing that CAN be said, but its really hard, to watch someone you care about so much, go through hard shit, and know theres nothing you can say OR do to help, similar to mollys case, which just leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless and all that. Its just……so hard sometimes, and tonights one of those nights. I laugh with my friend when they tell me about there adventures of there new dog, im smile and listen as my neighbor tells me about there trip, and i get mad and pissed off when my mom tells me i seem out of it, and tells me to go eat something. I dont know how to tell them that no, im not ok, no ill never be ok, and NO i dont need to go eat something, and hell yea, I AM out of it, NO im NOT all here, infact, I dont think im HERE at all. Ive been feeling very….distant these past few days, maybe thats what it is. I dont know, like I said im not even going to try and make sence of myself tonight, hell, I dont know why I bother trying even at times.

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