It's the toughest time of the year. The time when everything began to go terribly wrong. The time of year I feel myself becoming more tense, less graceful at this grieving thing.
I feel you like it was just yesterday, Nicholas. Your kicks, your rolls, your hiccups.... If I close my eyes and breathe really deep, I can still smell you... still taste the kisses I laid upon your ruby red lips. You are truly our Guardian Angel. We love you.
Please help mommy get through the next few weeks with courage...
This year we have decided to do something a little different to mark the day you blessed us with your presence.
Below is the letter I have sent out to family and friends who have been such an extreme amount of support and comfort over the last few years.
October 4, 2012
I hope that this note finds everyone well.
As we approach Nicholas' 4th Angel Day on November 7th I am both unsettled and at peace. The way that our grief has transformed over the last few years is indescribable. We have been forced to walk a path that no parent dares to imagine and yet we stand strong. We continue to heal our broken hearts by remembering and honouring our special little guy every day. We do this together, with love, perseverance and with the boundless support of amazing family and friends who have been there for us every step of the way.
Four years seems like a huge milestone.
Four years seems impossible.
Four years seems believable.
Four years hurts just the same.
This is the dance grieving parents contend with every single day. An endless contradiction of emotions. It never ceases to amaze me how such devastation and such beautiful glory can co-mingle comfortably in my heart and I am certain that our Nicholas has everything to do with that.
Most of you will remember that we have been marking Nicholas’ Angel Day with a special and unique event each year. Together, with an amazing support system, we have created life long memories on what is an extremely emotional day for our family.
Last year we collected donations to create Memory/Comfort Boxes for our local hospital. We were blessed with many heartwarming donations from dollars to handmade blankets and hats. We donated 6 Comfort Boxes on November 7, 2011 to Southlake Regional Health Center’s Labour and Delivery Unit and as heartbreaking as it is, we have been replenishing them as the need arises. This year we have completed 6 more boxes and will be donating them, in Nicholas’ memory, to York Central Hospital in Richmond Hill. We are more than comforted to know that some families may find some much needed solace from the items we have provided.
In the last few years we have also organized either a run or a walk in Nicholas’ memory. The events have changed throughout the years, but the meaning will always be there. It is so important to us to have a positive focus on what could be a terrible day re-living horrific memories. To have friends, family and supporters with us, enjoying each other’s company, sharing stories and maybe even remembering their own little angels means the world to us. Nicholas’ legacy lives on and that is what it is all about.
This year, once again, our vision is different. A beautiful friend from the U.S. recently held a memorial for little angels in which Sky/Wish Lanterns were released in their honour. The pictures are magnificent and so incredibly moving. I could only imagine experiencing such a glorious sight. So, this year we will be holding a Sky/Wish Lantern evening to remember our baby boy.
We would also like to extend a warm invitation to our fellow baby loss parents to join us to not only remember our Nicholas, but to also remember their baby. We are certain the evening will be magical and we would love be able to watch Nicholas’ friends light the night with him.
If you are interested in attending and/or would like your very own lantern to release, please RSVP by OCTOBER 18th to me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org. We will have to know numbers in order to request the correct amount of lanterns. Each lantern is $3.00.
The below link gives you an idea of what these Wish Lanterns can offer…. an invaluable experience.