With word overload…but no way to say what I really am wanting to say.
See, for the past few weeks, that my ramblings have been scarce, Ive been trying to write something….but every time I try, I get about 1/2 way done, and call it quits. So far, Ive written about Aimee, Ive let loose about the stress around here, and the back to school chaos. Ive even plunked out enough words to say what Im really trying to say about these kids…but every time…I just get to caught up in it that I have to call it quits…and so here I sit. My mind is a draft folder, with nothing in it except 1/2 finished thoughts, and totally skewed ideas that make absolutely no sense.
I wish I could say what I meant, but in order to accomplish that, I must first pick a subject, and stick with it.
So yea…how about I go with the most recent one, in hopes of letting some of this “Back stuff” drop off.
I cant remember how long Ive had the kids back, but its close enough I believe to say its been near a month. In that month weve accomplished nothing more than a pile of undone things, much as the things in my mind that I need to write. But..havent. They sit. Wait. Until a deadline is up, then we scramble to prepare things and get done, or not, just in time.
When I first got the kids back, I had everything line up, in my mind, on how things should go. This would be this way, and that would be that way, there would be no this being that way, and that, being this way. Just…wouldnt. I would have two, robotic kids, who, if nothing else, would act on cue, perfectly, because…well…they were in my mind this long, acting this way, so why not? Any parent, would scoff at this simple thought, knowing full well that kids are well known for blowing your mind and minds idea way out of proportion. Among those thoughts was the thought that when school was starting to be thought of, myself and two angelic kids would walk, in single file format into the schools, and choose the best one to suit their needs. No more of this hokey pokey BS that has been going on for the past few years. It was all set, all that I needed was the kids.
…and just like that….things changed.
See….I havent gave much thought to the idea of school…I mean, I did…uh…once…when we attempted school shopping, and true to my word, we havent been back, to go school shopping. Infact, I all but forgot about it, until last week when I picked up the “IM FREE TAKE ME!!” paper, while waiting for one of the kids. I saw…there in red and black, school was starting. Soon. Soon. Very soon. But…I did nothing, until a few days later when I had two wild, sugar high, over the wall kids with me, I deemed it a perfect time to go check out schools. Eh. Not quiet the scenario I had all played out…but it worked. Or not. Either way, we managed to successfully pin down a school that appeared to be reasonable as far as education goes.
Last week, as well, we were handed a list, or two, list. Most people, most likely, know what Im talking about. A school supply list. Of which I couldnt identify with 1/2 the items on, but wasnt about to let on that I had no clue what anything other than a lunch box was, or for that matter, what to put IN the lunch box, because THAT thought hadnt even ENTERED my mind.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
Apparently the day we chose to go out to Walmart and tackle the great list, was the same day every one else had chosen, because we, once again, turned and left, on my cue. Panic stricken, and petrified of crowds I am. There, I said it.
But…alas. Last night, we braved the store once again. At 9:30, with 1/2 hour till closing time, we made our way through the thinning crowds to the well cleaned isles, with even cleaner shelves, labeled “Over priced back to school items” we made our way through the list, and isles, and back out the door, with about 2 minutes to spare…but…there was only one problem…uh…yea. We only got the items that we, or rather, I, knew what were. We attempted locating said other items, but had no such luck, because Im guessing the big empty slots on the shelves is where things other than rulers, and backpacks, and lunch boxes, were, meaning, they were no longer there.
But then…another thought entered my mind as we raced down the road at 10 pm. When…and what. When did they get so frigging big and what the heck happened? No, not Walmart. The kids!!!!! Last time I knew, they were 6 & 8, and scared stiff about going into the 1st grade. The last time I looked, they were….little things, still dependent on other people…but now, people, I have a 9 and 11 year old here, who are entering the 4th and 6th grade, and all I have to say is hold on a second! Where DID they go, and WHY wasnt I informed of their exiting?
I realized this a little to late, however, because as I looked back over some old pictures, I realized I was there….I was there….but…in a sad, to late realization….I realized that…not only was I there? I was there….but I wasnt. Does that make any sense? Because if it does, its not suppose to.
I was THERE, I have been THERE, but….being THERE just isnt enough sometimes. Sure, I missed one year, and yes, one year IS a big deal, especially when they are at that age, but I was THERE the rest of the time. But I was to…..(and excuse me for saying this word, but its the only word I know how to describe things right now) I was to fucked up to notice, or even care, for that matter, that the kids were growing up, right before my eyes. I was to fucked up to realize that what people were telling me was true…that I needed to lay off the drinking, and come to a realization, that I needed to pay more attention, and get my act together…..and yet here I am….regretting things….because I was there…but I wasnt there….my being there, I mean to say….wasnt enough…….
Im sending them off to school, in a few weeks. All 9 & 11 years of them. Im sending them off to school, watching them board that big yellow bus in a few weeks…..but….they arent going to school for the first time….Im watching them board the bus that is taking them to school, and changing their minds, and when they step off that bus, they will be older than when they stepped on…if only by a day. Yea….Im a little confused, and frantic…. ok? So answer me this..how did THIS?