A while ago, (a long while ago) someone asked me if I wished on stars, and if so, when the last time I had was…I replied that no, I didnt any more, implying that I had at one time…and I had. Once. It was a late night, and I was standing outside smoking. Inside the building lay Emmy, my baby girl, my daughter. I wished with everything inside of me that she would make it ok. I wished that she would pull through and be the perfect little girl that I knew she could be. I wished. Hard that night. Yet three days later I was there, standing, numbly, staring at what used to be my baby girl. In short, it didnt work. In short, I gave up on wishes. Knowing fully already that they didnt work, but knowing for a fact that it didnt.
These past few days have had me hammered to the ground and back again, leaving me begging for a redo, and some form of an undo, if possible. Its left me tattered, and tired, and ready to pass out. But Ive got two kids now, and I cant simply “pass out” when I want to. Infact, Im working on getting a third, and although I may appear to know what Im doing, and what Im saying at my lawyers office when I repeat myself over and over (ok, who am I kidding, I dont even appear like Ive got shit together) saying that Im going to get Josh back, inside, I really wonder what Im doing, what Im thinking and how Im going to manage.
Tonight I found myself making the 20 minute trex home after a long, hot (did I mention, summer is here for a few days?) hard day with tourist, a lengthy stay at the lawyers office, heading for two hungry, hyper, kids. I caught myself muttering “I wish I wish I wish I wish” because while I may not wish on stars, and I know wishes dont come true? There isnt anything in me that doesnt WISH this nightmare were over with.
Its been a continual state of nightmarish acts my whole life, it would seem. First Aimee, then Emmy, my siblings, and now…Im stuck fighting for the kids, and while I made SOME progress with these two, atleast as far as getting them back, I think Im really in for it here with Josh. But what really sent me over the edge (I think) was a combination of it all. A combination of the late nights, early mornings, hard days and stressful nights, that made one tiny, little, fuzzy, pixelated picture, send me over the edge.
I saw a picture of Josh tonight. It was a really small print, pixelated, fuzzy and worn. But none the less, a picture. The simple look of him sent my mind into over time, and caused a shut down of all functioning parts. I sat there a few minutes staring at the picture, before collecting it up and walking out the door. Because while Ive managed to get myself to the point where I can look at Emmys pictures, and I can remember past times? I wasnt prepared to be getting a picture of him…even though he isnt gone, in the sense that Emmy is? He still, in my mind is gone.
Yes. Its cut out of a bigger picture. Yes, hes with his “Future family” who wants to adopt him. Yes I cut him out of it. Yes I got mad at the picture, and yes, I recognized the family who is trying to adopt him.
I pulled over to the side of the road tonight on my way home to let my thoughts dwindle down and my mind settle before I continued on my way home. The truck died just as I pulled in, and the kids came tumbling down the road, a cloud of dust following them. I slammed the door, pulled out my “Happy time grin” and was met with two kids slamming into me, breathing hard, dirty from playing, rattling on about their day, I unlocked the door, and we were greeted with a blast of hot air, as I swung one kid in, and shuffled the other in close behind. I headed in behind them stuffing the picture into my back pocket on my way.
I laughed with them, smiled and teased them, fed them dinner and sent them off, one at a time to the bath. We did the nightly routine, and as I slipped out the bedroom door, I remembered just what it was that I was “wishing for” a few months ago. I felt the picture still in my pocket, and realized that yea, this might be a harder ride, this might take a little more effort, this might take a little more wind out of me, but it will be worth it, when I can finally shut the door and know for a fact that the three of them are right where they belong. Together.
But I still cant quite get over just how BIG hes gotten…what happened to the little toddling baby that left, where did he go, and where can I find him?