My mind has been in a hundred different places, that I really havent had time, or enough wits about me, to say anything. Ive been back…since Thursday. The two day drive back through Canada, not only had me on the edge, it had me over the edge. My mom hitched a ride back with me, and if I wasnt dreading the trip back, I was then. She came back for good reason…I guess. She wanted to go through the boxes of things I have, and am going to throw away. She wanted to look through things, and see if there were things that she wanted to take, things that belonged, at one time, to my sisters and brother.
These past few days have been spent, literally, spinning in circles, chasing my tail, looking for the end…and never finding it. The court date is in less than a month now, and I still, have yet to get things done.
I held my breath all through the meeting with the state today, waiting for her to say it had been canceled, or something went wrong because I was gone for two weeks, but….things are still, as of today….going. It wasnt until I left the office, did I breath….Im clear….for another week, atleast in that aspect.
On top of trying to get things in a living order around here, as well as trying to fix the mess that I have, get the kids room in some sort of order, my mom…has been adding her own spices to the mix. While Im at work, she finds it her given duty to go through things, and straighten things up, and while I dont mind her going through the boxes I gave her, I dont particularly enjoy coming home to the house “rearranged” with items that belongs to my wife. I dont enjoy seeing the pictures that I put away for a certain reason….sitting on the counter while she runs around dusting, or vacuuming.
I dont enjoy explaining to her who the people in the pictures are, or what happened to them, I really….just cant handle that right now.
Ive been on the edge, and over the edge, more times than I can count. Im ready to give in. Ready to give up, ready to call it quits. Im ready to throw in the towel, and say screw it all. Im ready to throw away everything Ive worked for, and worked through. Im ready to be done with all of this. I try to see how far things have come, tried to see how close we are, but the closer I look, the more the doubt, second guessing, and confusion, comes.
The more the questions come, the more I wonder. Am I really cut out for this? Or should I quit now, while I still can.