tomorrow is pre-op clinic. asher and i have to arrive at 7:30 am (apparently there's a 7:30 in the morning now... who knew?!?!) for bloodwork. then it's a day of chest x-ray, ultrasound (on his right femoral vein, checking for clots), and meeting with the nurse, surgery nurse practitioner, anaesthesiologist, surgical fellow, and surgeon. wow, i just about threw up, there.
a week from tuesday... 9 days from now... is surgery day. the fontan. excuse me while i vomit. k, back. yeah, surgery in just over a week.
it's strange. i'm not nearly as worried about this surgery as i was about the coles, and since i'm not mourning, i'm not in the same head-space as before the glenn. but... i don't know... i was talking to someone at church this morning, and she asked how i can hand asher over to the surgeons, knowing what they're going to do. my answer? "i don't know." because i don't. she looked heartbroken just thinking about it, and yeah, it is heartbreaking. (no pun intended.) i don't know how i do it. i just do what i have to do to keep asher alive, i guess. blech.
heart parenting isn't easy, folks. it's hard. brutal, in fact. stressful, dehumanizing, crazy-making, frustrating, heartbreaking... an emotional roller coaster on a good day! on the other hand, like i wrote to dr caldarone, there are i times i forget that asher even has a zipper, and those are the best moments, because it means he's a normal kid. let me tell you, i live for those moments.
well, i said this would be a quick post, and before this gets too long, i'm gonna sign off. i'll post tuesday and let you know how clinic went.