Today is my older daughter's first day of preschool. Wow, she's on the younger side; a mere 3 years old but we thought it might be good for her considering our current lifestyle. I am sure she'll come to really enjoy it, she loves learning and is a social butterfly. No tears this morning for the drop off, quiet an accomplishment when this is her first school experience aside from Sunday school.
I said no tears right? Well not on her end nor on mine until I got home. I think is was a long overdue watershed. A part of me crying because she's growing up but there was more emotion connected with it. I felt somewhat caught off guard, heck really off guard by it. The first few days/weeks after Alyssa's birth I cried A LOT. My body and/or minds way to adjusting to things. Seriously I cried at the mention of simple things like a word~"blanket"~ ooohh Alyssa cuddled in the same blanket as "X"~ and the tears came. After a few weeks of this I was fed up with the crying and willed myself to keep a stiff upper lip.
I was still emotionally connected but wanted to face the world with dry eyes and a measure of resolve. Faith directed resolve but with less or hopefully no tears. It worked too. There was the oddball ocassion like, Alyssa coming out of surgery A-okay and Celebrating Alyssa's first birthday that I did cry but then who wouldn't?
Today though I did one of those gut wrenching balled on the bed, can't catch my breath either pass out or gasp for more air cries. You know the kind that rocks your body and soul to the core. It was a good 10-15 minute water shed; and then I stopped wiped my eyes and tried to decide what to do with the rest of the "me" remaining before having to go pick up my girl.
In a small home with 6 people, there isn't a lot space for alone time; let alone time for alone time. Never would I want my kids to see me that vulnerable. So now I get the merit of Preschool. My mom's guilt for sending my oldest "young" daughter out in to the wild lands of Christian Preschool has diminished.
Bottom line even though I didn't want to acknowledge it: I needed a good cry. By the by Alyssa slept soundly the entire time. Thank God for the big and small things~