I can't stand February in SLC. First of all, it's disgusting out. The air is like sludge and huge looming black piles of filthy snow line the roads. Life feels like drudgery and I find a sticky spot in a cupboard and feel like we might as well tear the house down. Hopeless. I am grateful, each day, that I don't have a little one with severely compromised lungs at home. I remember the guilt and fear of watching a little girl breath brown thick air around her oxygen prongs and I'm grateful that time is over. My little girls now cough and and their noses run and I say "When it's warm we will go to the park and play in the water! We will go to the beach! We will ride bikes and scooters and swing and go hike in the canyon!" The girls sigh and say "But today can we go to McDonalds?" Blech. February is terrible. I imagine my girls in heaven, and think they can't even see us for this smog, but I know that's not true. I know they are near and I think "Yuck, but why would they want to be? I would stay away." I trudge along on the treadmill in the basement and look at the insulation and the dismantled crib in the corner. I'll feel better after I run, I think. I feel sweaty. Afterwards, cold and clammy. Every time I walk into work I brace myself for the latest on what I've done wrong. Clocked in a minute early. Clicked the wrong box. I just want to shrug and roll my eyes. I can hardly breath let alone think. Who cares? It's February 5th and I've had it. What happened to cozy winter? February, that's what. All I want to do is lay in bed and read. All I want to eat is chocolate. All I want to do is grouse until it's over. So I thought I'd stop in and do just that.