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"D" Day

Posted Jul 12 2013 8:54pm
"D" Day.  Diagnosis Day. A date that can change your life so much it can be rattled off as easily as your birthday or anniversary.  If you've ever experienced a D Day you will most likely recall where you were, who you were with, what you were doing and what you were wearing.  It's that significant.  I've been praying for a D Day for a very long time.  I guess it's not meant to be.  At least not right now.  I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up this last go round, and I tried not to - I know better than that.  I've been there and done that.  But then there's Hope. Hope can sustain you and it can crush you.  Today it crushed me.  Hard. I was at my desk at work when I got the call from the genetic counselor.  I have good news and I have bad news she said.  The good news is the tests were normal.  The bad news is we still don't have an answer.  Ironically, that wasn't good news to me, not at  all.  Maybe 11 years ago it would have been.  But not now.
 
I've spent pretty much the entire day crying. I came home from work, kissed a very happy Alex and locked myself in my room.  I KNOW not having a label doesn't change a thing.  I know that a diagnosis wont magically fix her.  And I hate that Aaron is trying to console me and tell me it doesn't change anything.  In 'theory' I KNOW that.  But I feel like I've been a delicate tea cup teetering on the edge of a shelf and today I fell and crashed and broke into a million pieces.  It's a horrible roller coaster ride to be on.  And I'm mad at myself for letting myself get to this point.  Part of me doesn't want to do any more genetic testing.  Ever.  But I WANT something to blame this on.  If I don't have anything to point the finger to I wind up pointing the finger at myself.  And I KNOW that too is unrealistic - we likely will never know why Alex is the way she is - but I'm her mother - I carried her, I birthed her - something happened somewhere along the way and until I can blame it on some stupid gene or some stupid chromosome, I'm left holding the bag. 
 Aaron finally got me out of bed and we took Alex on a walk with the dog late this afternoon.  Today she has been the happiest she has been in a very long time.  Maybe she knew I needed that. 
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