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Crowds just don't bring out the best in me

Posted Oct 17 2009 10:03pm
Since Carleigh's birth, I haven't been a fan of crowds. I would much rather stay in the comfort of my own home. Of course, staying holed up forever isn't really an option. I actually don't mind going to work every day. I enjoy my job, my coworkers, and my patients. What gets me is going out to do other things.

Today we went to the Renaissance Festival with Anthony's parents and some of their friends. They had some extra tickets so we said we would go. We both have never been to it so we were interested in seeing what it would be like. It really was neat to see all the people dressed up and the different shops and entertainment.

It slowly started going downhill for me. The longer we were there, the more annoyed and angry I got. There was no reason for it. There were no usual triggers like babies and pregnant women. It just happened. About halfway through the day is when it came to a head. We had walked into a little play in the middle of the show and I don't like seeing things unless I can start from the beginning so I told Anthony to go get Kyndra from his mom so we could go walk around. He went to go get her but then he stood there watching the show. The longer he stood there the angrier I got. I got so angry I wanted to throw the stroller in his face. Finally, he got Kyndra, kicking and screaming at this point, and we left that area.

I was steamed. Anthony kept asking me what my problem was and I kept telling him nothing. Kyndra was crying because she wanted to ride the slide and Anthony didn't want to pay $3 so she could do it. He kept asking me where we were going and I told him we needed to change Kyndra's dipe but there really was no place to go to do it. When I walked one way to look for a place to change her he didn't follow me so I marched back to him and tried to take the stroller away from him and he asked me what I was doing and I yelled at him that I was taking the stroller because I needed her bag and he wasn't doing anything but standing there. He yelled back that we were going back to where we came to some benches to change her. I was frustrated and so was he. And I was angry.

Walking back to the area with the benches, I asked myself, "Why am I acting this way? This isn't me. Why am I so angry when there is nothing to be angry about?" To be honest, I have no idea why I reacted this way. That's the way it's been ever since Carleigh left us. The longer I am in a crowd, the more these negative emotions surface. It's happened every time so far. Maybe I am the only one who notices most of the time. When it's just Anthony, Kyndra, and me going someplace it's usually not quite as bad.

It took me a little bit to cool back down. We walked over to watch this one show, but then I ended up walking off with Kyndra and I just rocked her on a picnic table. After a bit we went back to the show and I felt a little better. The rest of the time we spent there was better too. I constantly kept telling myself to chill out.

Perhaps it was several factors like the cold or the fact that AF reared her ugly head on the 15th and devastated my day. Maybe I wasn't over that yet. All I know is that I don't want this to keep happening but I don't know how to stop it. It's hard to prevent the unpredictable. You don't realize when you're on the outside how much of a person's life is affected by the loss of their child. Everything changes.


I'd like to end my day on a high note so I have another giveaway from My Forever Child. This giveaway is for a Pregnancy-Infant Loss Personalized Bracelet. This beautiful bracelet is a perfect way for you to support Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness. The sterling silver bead can be personalized with your child's name (up to 8 letters) or with a word like love, forever, in memory, remember, or some other word you might like.

To enter, leave a comment with a happy memory of your child(ren). I need happy things right now. This giveaway will end Tuesday at 11:59 pm EST with the winner being announced some time on Wednesday.
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