There are times when I look at Laney's flawless chest and it sucks the breath right out of me. It's like a meeting of these two intense emotions that are so different it's crazy they can coexist. How, at the same time, can I feel such deep gratitude for Laney's healthy heart and also feel such sadness about what all the scar on Luke's perfect little chest means?
Maybe I don't have to reconcile those two emotions. Maybe I can just take both for what they are: two very different ways God is teaching me about His love for me.
A friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day about their great 20-week ultrasound appointment and how God was "smiling down on them" by giving them a healthy baby. I believe this to be true. I believe the Bible when it says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." What I had to wrestle with, however, is what that meant for our family.
Was God not smiling on us when he allowed Luke's right ventricle to not form? The more I've spun this thought in my mind, the more I hear God saying, "No!" God knew Luke's diagnosis would be difficult for me and Roger. He knew Laney's health would be a celebration. But God does not change. That means he loved us with a perfect love when I was pregnant with Luke and his love was perfection when I was pregnant with Laney. His love just looked different. Just like my love for my children looks different when I am praising them and when I am disciplining them. But it is still love. It is such a lie the enemy wants us to believe, that we are displeasing to God when bad things happen. What if it's not about us? What if it's about HIM? I'll admit my friend's comment stung for a couple of days. Not because I wasn't thrilled for her. But because that old familiar tug of "why us" tried to wiggle in and steal my joy. Six years after finding out about Luke's heart, this tug is no longer a daily battle. But I think it would be dishonest to say it's not a part of my life. I think it may always be ... and that's okay because each time I confront the ugly untruth that God fell asleep on the job, I learn a little more about what is true: "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." (1 John 3:1)