I was having one of those….”Oh yea, I did it, cant get better than this” sort of days. I was up on time, out the door in a reasonable speed, and off to work…on bike. It wasnt raining, I was totally just rocking it up with me, my coffee, and piece of crap bike….
But then…this afternoon came, and I was watching the rain pelt sideways when I remembered something I forgot to include in my calculation when I agreed to stop driving. The 6+ mile trex I will have to make atleast twice a week because of the “meetings” another time for State day, and once more for the other meeting I have to attend. Anyone math worthy will know that equals 4 times a week, 6 (at very minimum) miles, one way, would mean for one trip I have to bike 12 miles. 12 x 4 = 48. 48 fucking miles a week? I think not! I never said I was good at math. This is proof.
I was standing there, doing math in my head, which isnt a good idea…it was about the time that I came up with that number, that I remembered, I had to go to town, for the state. I went home and drove to town, but only because I was short on time, really…I would have…really.
Like I predicted, things didnt pan out the way I was hoping for. Because of my latest greatest stunt at the “therapist” I erased any chance of getting the twice a week, down to once a week. I also didnt pass whatever “tests” I was suppose to be working on. While it didnt hurt the case any, it certainly didnt help matters much, and it set me back, mentally, atleast.
As far as the kids go, from what I hear, they are NOW doing ok, supposedly. From previous happenings, I now know not to expect current information on them, or atleast not when it comes to something 1/2 way important, like health, for instance. She mentioned that Madison was in the hospital this past week because of issues with breathing. I about fell out of my chair when she said this had happened LAST week, and I hadnt been informed. This is supposedly for the kids safety, so I dont try and visit them while they are in the hospital or something, because forbid I do something unapproved by the state. Shes also being transferred to another foster home. I couldnt help but be just a tiny bit sadder for her, and worried, as well. As far as the other kids go, they are supposedly doing well, atleast, this week thats the story, next week I could be notified that someone was deathly ill today. But thats not important, is it? Didnt think so.
As far as Joshs case goes, no ‘new’ news, which could be good and bad at the same time. While it means his dad hasnt changed his mind any, it also means he hasnt atleast applied for full custody of him before I have a chance to throw a stick in the mix. His “foster parents” havent made any new moves yet either, which also, good/bad. Basically, now we wait for a court date to see what will happen next, if he simply will be handed off to the foster family, his dad, or if Ill even be considered. Its hard, the waiting, wondering, worse case scenarios that play out faster and faster.
I continue to second guess myself, and wonder if Im making the right choice here, wondering if Im doing the right things for them, or if its simply selfish wants, and I should let them go, I guess though, that this will be a constant worry/wonder of mine…no use dwelling on it…it only gets bigger, and before I know it, will take over…I have to keep reminding myself how far things have come, but at the same time, keep in mind the logic of how far things still have to go, and how many things could, and most likely WILL happen between now, and then.