By my choice and not my choice, I got thrown into your life full force.
Guess what? Still like you.
By my choice and not my choice, you haven't been thrown into mine. Mine involves more possible brain surgery plus maybe a brain tumor and the heartbreak that comes with loving someone who didn't know they wern't ready for it. Sounds fun? Not so much.
Guess what? Still like you. And from the beginning, yes, I have wanted this more than you. I knew what I wanted. You didn't, or don't.
We're saying the same thing. Potato, potahtoe, it's still a spud. You say it's not about your friends, I say it's not about your friends. You ask why they get singled out, I tell you and it doesn't compute. If you can't see past being hurt and defensive and protective of your friends and hear the truth in what I've already said and said and said to you then yes, this is over, regardless of what you or I may want. This relationship right now needs to be about you and me? I'm keeping it that way. Even if this is the end, which I'm pretty damn certain it is unless you have finally heard me..I'm still keeping it about you and me. I put all my comfortability and safety by the wayside because I was so concerned about your friends reactions would be. I let **** spiral out of control because I was so concerned how they would react. I allowed myself to feel like someones concubine because I was so concerned about how they and you would react. Yep, RA, right now I don't give a **** how they react to me. I put the importance on it before because of the cues you fed me. You're still feeding me those cues and I'm just spitting them back out. This isn't about them? DON'T MAKE IT ABOUT THEM. Who the hell cares that I stopped speaking to your ex fiance and her girlfriend other than you and them? Guess what? I'm NOT sleeping in the same tent with them because someone says thats the right thing to do FOR THEM. Been there, done that, DAMAGES ME and makes me unable to communicate with YOU. I do care about them and if you or they can't see that and understand that it isn't always ABOUT them than that is not my problem.
If you caring about them will keep you from caring about me the way I need to be cared for, which I have now clearly laid out for you, then that's it. You can either ask me to go for a walk more than once and accept that some of the stuff you've done or not done in your relationships with others has affected me and rightly so or blame it all on me. If that's what you need to do, go for it. I'm not playing these lame reindeer games anymore just because I want you and love you. And if you loved and wanted me you wouldn't tell me I had to.
Every problem I've had thus far you say is about your friends? Then maybe I'm the one with all the problems. You're concerned it will come up again? You keep making it come up as well. I've said this is about us. Make it about us.
Yes, I know you're mad and hurt I never saw what you were trying to show me. And I have told you why I haven't and why I've doubted your intent because of what you and others have or have not done. And I've said now step up to the plate and do this with me the right way because we are worth it.
I can't believe what a run around our last phone call was. I'll never give you the right answers and you'll never hear the answers I give. I love you. Do you want that? Then do this with me the right away and accept what I've told you is MY TRUTH. Not yours or theres. Mine and ours.
Your ultimatum: " Why is this about THEM?" My ultimatum: " Why IS this about them?" Same words. Vastly different meanings.
I bought a white candle in NYC and had it carved for clarity and love uncrossing. It has our names on it. I was hoping it would help you figure stuff out. Strangely enough, it's helped me. It doesn't matter how much I love you, how hard or gently I love you, how many times I've not spoken up, how many times I speak up now, what mistakes I've made, and CERTAINLY not what mistakes you've made. You want a relationship with me that's only on your terms. Period. End of discussion. This is what everything you've said to me the past few days has led to. Love me, love my friends. Make them as much a part of my life as I make you. And I say, I love you and love your friends. But I sure as **** am not letting what they do influence me and my relationship with you like you do. I am fortunate enough to love my friends 24/7/365 like you do but from a healthy distance and trust me, they are still there in a second to get me a train ticket out of here and they seriously care less if you like them or not. And I seriously care less if they like you or not, because you and THEY are not TOGETHER. And I don't NEED them to be to still love you and be able to be there for them and vice versa. M still adores the **** out of you even if you have been more concerned about how everyone else felt than I felt. She adores the **** out of you even though she knows exactly why I feel this way and has LISTENED to me.
So make this about me and all the wrong I have done and all the things I haven't believed so you don't have to admit you've done it wrong, too. And if that keeps you content keep making it about how I don't understand you or your life..which is total BULL****, so you don't have to step outside your safety zone and fully experience what a safe and loving and healthy romantic relationship is like.
And guess what? I'm still here like an ass waiting for you to make up your ******* mind about who's gonna keep you warm at night and if making sure everyone is attended to will leave you any damn room for me to attend to you. And what do I want? I want you to ask me to go on a ******* walk more than once and quit trying to force me to love and be loved by everyone else when it's about YOU and ME.
And none of this is going to get through to you at all. You're gonna read and hear " why did she have to involve them and why doesn't she accept my two best friends the people who have been here for me no matter what".
That relationship is quite full and I'm not anyones second wife and if I'm not here it's because you do not allow me to be. M is my best friend but guess what..she leaves me room to have other relationships. I leave room to have other relationships. You've just shoehorned me into a size six shoe when I'm a size ten and when my toes turn gangrenous you ask me why I didn't say it was tight and I ask you why didn't you see there wasn't enough room? Yep, we both screwed it up. Difference is I want to move forward and your quite content staying in that shoe.
You're pissed and wanna hit a trash can? I'm livid it took me this long to come clean and you STILL can't see past the end of your own nose and see that I'm GOOD for you and I'm devoted to you in SPITE of having spent quite some time letting you and your best ******* friends pigeon hole me and affect my responses, so you could do what was best for them, and what they wanted ,and what you wanted. I shouldn't have to go through all this **** and take care of everyone elses feelings when they are adults and YOU are an adult and friendship obviously does not mean sacrificing having a partner except where you are concerned.
I love your ******* scared ass and your ******* defensive crouch and your ******* inability to understand what's right for me and your ******* inability to give a **** about that as long as everyone else is sunshine and roses. I see that you love deep and long and hard and honor commitments even to your own detriment. Screw you though for not understanding that.
I might have a pituitary tumor, you ass. I might have to have another brain surgery. I might also have yet another potentially fatal disease. I might have had a ******* mini-stroke this weekend. And I'm gonna go live my life filled with love and acceptance not for what I do but for who I am. I live my life loud and scared and never knowing what's around the next corner and sometimes awfully quiet and sad because I know loud and great and happy always pop up somewhere. And I'm going to love someone who will love me back just as hard and fiercely as I love them and will NEVER put me in a corner or be scared to ask what I am thinking because it might upset the apple cart. And I sure as hell am not gonna keep my mouth shut anymore. I am speaking my mind, speaking the truth, and saying I will not sleep in that ******* tent just so I can be around you and take those scraps you leave behind for me while you're busy feeding everyone else. I'm a big girl and I want a full ******* meal, appetizer AND dessert and the damn bread basket as well.
And yep, blocking emails again. I am througher than through unless you make a drastic decision to call me, show up on my goddamn turf and see me here steaming mad and feet planted firmly and accept that you have been obtuse and misguided and have screwed **** up even more so than I have. I KNOW what I did wrong. It's your damn turn. And I'm still here so eventually IF YOU WANT ( always about what you want, isn't it) I can play nice enough with your friends to their and your satisfaction but that will not happen unless I get what I ask for. Earn that damn ability to worry about me you want so bad and put us first and quit throwing all this monumental bull**** about your friendships down my throat. Your damn choice. I have made mine.
I know you've said you were up for talking about stuff but we can't get past what you say it's about and what I say it's about. Don't you say for a second I judge you or don't understand you. I understand you too damn well. If you figure it out call me. Don't write me. This is pretty senseless. Better yet, come over and take a walk with me. I got some neat shit to show people, sometimes.