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Insomnia, Redux Redux Redux

Posted Nov 29 2008 12:20pm

I'm scared of things that go bump in the night and of the toilet bowl that doesn't stop running.

At 30 I've finally realized I'm mortal.

I still cover my ears and close my eyes if I can't run out of a room when balloons are being blown up.

The ones who understand me love me, but I still feel alone.

I haven't eaten a Nutrageous bar in a very long time.

Things taste and feel and smell different, but not always better, and I think I was cheated and was always supposed to be this way.

I'm mourning and grieving for who I was and who I'm supposed to be now. I've always denied definition and now I don't know how I'm defined.

I think I haven't brushed my teeth in two days.

I don't know if better is better..maybe it's worse.

Gilr Pug turns 10 today, and as I look at her gray chin and her round eyes and her fat tummy I don't know why I can't love someone the way I love her.

When I look in the mirror and see my tattoos, I still get startled and wonder how they got there.

I want my hair that was short and red to be long and blonde and fall in my face so people can't see me.

I miss cooking and crying and sweating and swearing and drinking and smirking and shaking and shouting. But I don't know if I'll ever do it again.

I only do dishes now when I've run out of paper towels to put my Hot Pockets on.

My uncle, a doctor, asked me where I saw myself in a year and I curled my fingers into my palms so I wouldn't poke him in the eye. The same night, another told me he always knew something had been wrong with me, as if that made it all ok, and I curled my fists into my stomach so I wouldn't throw up on him.

I think I'm depressed but I don't feel sad. I feel calmer and zen and centered and that's kind of scary.

I really need 12 hours of sleep.

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