I am leaving soon. Wednesday night at 9:54 I board a plane first to Germany, then to Delhi, then to Guwahati, then Bagdogra. I've crammed my backpack full. I still have to deal with my carryon. And try and clean and pack up part of my apartment.
Today I went for my first of two MRIs, and was strapped in and slid in and out of the machine 4 times. It was broken, and I ws unstrapped and told to come in at 8 am and get both series done then. I was crying by slide three, because it was a reminder of all that has happened, all i seek to free myself from, and I was alone. My best friend had just gotten married and I'd left her, my other best friend is in NYC, and my friends here were not able to arrange a goodbye, and my parents are on vacation with my sister. So I am in the machine alone, and 31 years of my past life are slamming through my brain, and I'm overwhelmed with what I'm about to do.
take off a world away, with no one but AR to hold onto my hand if I offer it and try and guide me through parts. No firm plans, all possibilities. A life unlead, yet, perched on my back. I am terrified and excited and anxious and mourning and just a general whackadoodle. I am going to be in India by Friday..Thursday night for you folks here.
I'll step off the plane into roaring wet heat and sounds and smells and look around for that smiling face with the crinkled eyes waiting for me. I'll bucket in a hotel bathroom and climb into a hot bed with no bedding and try and nap away jetlag while AR locates mango juice or Limca. When I wake I'll spend hours talking and staring and renewing and remembering his face. We'll head outside and get rice and dal and I'll choke it diwn and spend three days vomiting. I'll look for internet cafes to send out emails. I'll sleep sticky wet sweat sleeps in bed and wash clothes in the sink. My feet will get dusty and dirty and the sun will make me weak and headachey.
I am so scared, so excited, so empty, so full and it's swirling in a jumbled knotted mess in my stomach.
I have to breathe. I have to cry. i have to shout and scream, alone in my house, with no family and no friends near. I have to prepare for everything I can't prepare for.