I have these moments every now and then. A few seconds where I see my mother how she was before. A smile. A look. A comment. It still amazes me how something so simple can take me to such a vivid memory. These moments should be treasured. these memories should be enjoyed, but I can’t seem to let myself see them in that light. For me it is just a reminder that the woman who raised me, cared for me, put up with me, and loved me, is not really here anymore. I am saddened that she is right there in front of me and and I can' t get to her. Even as I put this in writing, I feel a deep struggle to keep it together.
I miss calling my mother for advice. I miss seeing her play with her grandchildren. I miss her laugh. I miss that she always had the right thing to say, and I miss her telling me that I screwed up.
I know it’s silly for a 38 year old woman to want her mommy but I cant help it. she was a young vibrant person who led a simple life. she was good and kind and never had an ill will toward anyone. My mother didn' t deserve this. If I could, I would wake up tomorrow and this would all be a bad dream.
But I’m a smart girl and I know that this will never happen. I know that bad things happen to good people. I know that good thing happen to bad people. Does it make sense? No. Does it make me feel better? No. It' s bullshit, but it is what it is.
So when I am in the midst of these moments I take it in for as long as I can ( witch is usually only a few seconds).Then I pull myself together and focus on the positive. My mother is alive, she is still in our lives, and she will be here to see her newest granddaughter who will be bourn in a few weeks. These are the thing I look forward to, and that is what keeps me going.