How to Live a Horrible Life and Then Die a Horrible Death–the Comedy Version
Posted Oct 31 2011 2:05pm
I finished my blog, “How to Live and Die Well” and while I meant every word, my sarcastic side was reeling. Admit it, most of us will leave this earth kicking and screaming ( at least on the inside). We don’t want to eat our veggies as much as we’d prefer to dive into a bag of Lays, and aren’t there some days when you want to embrace your inner grump and blast the world? So here’s my comedy version–and on some/most days–it’s a tad closer to the truth.
How to Live a Horrible Life:
Indulge my every whim–even when I’m repeating an already disastrous scenario that didn’t exactly work out the first time.
Refuse to forgive–especially myself.
Hold on to, nurse, and even embellish grudges, past hurts, and assumed wrongs.
Accuse others of stealing from you, talking about you, disliking you (which they probably do by this point) because that further endears you to folks.
Watch lots of television.
Buy a scooter. Walking is for sissies.
Try and force things to happen. It’s exhausting and not trusting, but it’s based on believing that I’m actually in control–of anything and everything.
Keep that inner monologue of self-doubt and self-loathing going 24/7.
–while simultaneously blaming anybody and everybody else for my crappy life.
Get too little sleep, indulge in too many processed foods/sweets, and take a pill, any pill, all the pills I can find–for everything from a hangnail to hemorrhoids.
Never do anything that’s not for my own direct benefit.
Give up, give in, and then complain about how nothing ever works out for me.
Never say thank you.
How to Die a Horrible Death:
Repeat the above steps for the next 40/50 years.
Get more demanding and grumpy with each passing year.
Threaten that “I’m going to die soon, so please just do this one thing for me,” to get people to cater to your every whim.
Go to a doctor for every little thing and take all the meds and all the free med handouts they give me.
Read lots of articles about horrible diseases and become convinced I have them all.
Push people out of the way with my cart and mumble “Move it, I’m old!” (my mother used to do this)
Become incontinent as soon as possible…
because we all know that our family members just LOVE changing adult diapers.
Insist others feed you and then let the food dribble out on your chin and down your shirt–your family will be sure to love that one, too.
Become so cantankerous that even the grim reaper doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Refuse to “go to the light.”
Fake your death scene–clutch your chest and gasp for air–just to get people all crying and worked up. Then yell, “Surprise!” (Facetious, I know, but don’t you want to try it now?)
Yeah, I’m having a bit of fun, but this list just might help keep me motivated.
I’m working on my Oscar-worthy death scene now….
Have some to add? Send ‘em my way and I’ll add them to the post.