How do I handle my moms questions without her reliving the loss of her husband?

Hi Mariah,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father and your mother's illness.

The most difficult concept for me to grasp with my Dad who had dementia was that his brain wasn't operating the way it used to. He was still Dad but he needed our communication to be different from what it was.

Sometimes there is a reason the question comes up, like your Mom is thinking she forgot to do something or go somewhere. If you know that's the case, you can reassure her,"Don't worry, I'm here to make sure you get where you need to go."

Or if there is no particular worry on her part, you may just want to distract her or suggest an activity. " Did I tell you you look nice in that outfit?""I was just going to make some tea. Would you like some?"

If your Mom still has much of her memory, perhaps she would like to look at pictures of your father in a photo album. "Would you like to look the photo album?" She can tell you about long ago memories and you can comment and laugh with her.

There are times when you just don't need to answer this particular question for her. This isn't being deceptive. This is tailoring the communication to her current level. And it will spare both of you from reliving a sad memory.

Best,

CK

I am truly sorry for what you're going through.  I was my mom's caregiver for the last year and a half of her life.  She had cancer.  Towards the end she was suffering from dementia and it was so hard to deal with it.  Whenever she would ask something that I didn't want to answer, i would give her a stress ball which would divert her attention. It worked.  She would play with the ball and speak words that didn't make a whole lot of sense but it did help.

After my mom died, her half sister flew me to Belgium to see family I hadn't seen since I was a child.  My grandmother (my mom's stepmother who she hadn't seen for almost forty years), still alive and in her 90s was there.   She has Alzheimer's so every time I would see her, my aunt would tell her that I was "katty's daughter" and my grandmother would ask about my mom to which I would have to tell her that my mom died.  My grandmother would then cry and then five minutes later, she'd ask about my mother.  

 I know it's tough.  Be strong and know that you're doing the right thing caring for your mom.  You will be so happy you did this in spite of how hard it has been for you.