Are Your Parents Prejudice? A Common Caregiving Concern

My parents were prejudice and I know I’m not alone. When my mother began aging her inhibitions fell to the wayside and I knew that taking her out in public or having someone care for her who was overweight, a different color, or from another country was a free for all–who knew what shocking thing might leap from her lips? It made me nervous. My mother’s prejudice wasn’t something I expected to deal with as a caregiver. 

As an adult child or a caregiver, how do you handle prejudice?

“Wheweeee! That lady over there sure is….”

“Mother!” I’d yell and try to change the subject.

I can’t even count how many times or how many places we were when my mother said something hurtful, embarrassing, or downright shameful.  I had to learn how to reign her in–or live in utter fear and mortification.

How to Handle Prejudice in Older People:

• Realize they might not ever change. Love them as they are, but find ways to distract them and stand up to them when you really need to.
• Be ready to talk over them, ask a question, change the subject, do something outrageous (but not offensive)  yourself.  Keep a mental list of ways to distract your care buddy–and be ready to move fast.
• Get used to apologizing (boy, did I have to do a lot of this!). Something somewhere is going to slip and you’re going to have to clean up this verbal mess. Be honest. Tell them that your parent has always been this way. You hate it and you’ve tried and tried. Be real. Most people appreciate your honestly and feel for you.
• If it’s really ugly, say it! Call your parent down in public. Say loud, “”That was inappropriate. You cannot and will not talk to anyone that way.” And then just as you would handle an unruly toddler–leave. Don’t let them enjoy whatever they were doing beforehand. Tell them that you won’t be able to take them out in public if that’s how they’re going to act–and then keep your word.
• Be willing to do it all over again the next day or next week. Many times, even the strongest chastisement won’t stick–their minds are teflon and their wills are iron. Don’t let it get to you. Deal with it as a matter-of-fact and use every tactic you can to remedy the situation.
• Create a plan–and stick to it. If you’ve hired a home caregiver or are dealing with health aides, nurses, or other professionals and your parent is saying or doing ugly things, create a plan with your care person. Ask them how they’ve handled it with other clients, see if you can find a solution but don’t let them continue to be demeaned. Do all you can to handle the situation with tact, firmness, and fairness for all.
• Laugh at the craziness of it! I’m not belittling how awful this can be, but it sure helps if we realize we’re just dealing with flawed people who weren’t taught to be respectful of everyone and who have given into all the stereotypes and assumptions there are in the world. Most people are ignorant more than they are cruel–although ignorance can be plenty cruel. At the end of the day, laugh a little, love as much as you can, and know that you did all you could possibly do to behave as a person you’re proud to stare back in the mirror.