No, I don't want to take a shower (bath).
No, I don't need to go to the bathroom (pee).
No, I don't want to go the party (events).
I conducted two seperate polls on the Alzheimer's Reading Room around this issue. In one I asked,
Did (Does) Alzheimer's rob the person you know, living with dementia, of their ability to say YES to activities?
Seventy three percent (73) of the respondents to this question answered yes. See - Did Alzheimer's Rob the Person You Know, Living with Dementia, of their Ability to say YES to Activities?
I know from personal experience with Dotty how frustrating and disconcerting it can be when a person living with dementia constantly says, No.
Hearing the word "No" over and over is not only frustrating, it can cause you to experience feelings of hopelessness. Worse, it might make you "give up" in your caregiving effort.
When a person living with dementia says No, it is not unusual for a caregiver to try to convince them to agree, or say yes. It is not unusual for this to lead to challenging behavior, or a negative episode with the patient. This can lead to a deterioration in the Alzheimer's caregiver - Alzheimer's patient relationship.
This in turn can lead to poor communication and challenging behavior.
The simple fact is, most dementia patients don't like to make decisions. And trying to convince them to do something doesn't work very well.
Here is simple example of how to become a guide and lend an Alzheimer's patient your brain.
When in a restaurant and looking at a menu you might ask your loved one what they want to eat. You might find that they can't say - decide. This, then, requires you to order for them.
In fact, most Alzheimers dementia patients really can't make decisions. The parts of their brain being affected by Alzheimer's cause an inability to make decisions.
In this restaurant example, you know what the patient likes to eat, so you order for them. In this example, you are in effect lending the Alzheimer's patient your brain. You are making an easy decision for you that they can no longer make for themselves. You are also guiding.
During the Holiday's you might want the patient to go and visit people, or even take a trip. This requires and Alzheimer's caregiver to become a guide.
It is easier to speak less, explain less, and lead - guide. So instead of asking you might simply say - let's go.
When Dotty would ask, "where are we going", I would respond in many different ways. But mostly, I said, to have fun. I would smile, stick out my hand palm up, and get her on the move.
This might apply to the bath, pee, or going out. Smile, hand out, guide.
Once you establish this pattern you get your Alzheimer's patient in motion. Oddly, they might continue to say No all the way through the process while doing exactly what it is that you want them to do.
Believe it or not, I have a video where Dotty says No over and over as I gently guide her out the door, into the car, into the pool area, and into the pool. Amazingly, she is still saying No (I am not going into the pool) even when she has one foot in the water. See - Dotty Explains the Philosophy of NO, and Pinches 11 Bucks . Go down to the bottom of the article to watch the pool video.
Dotty explained to me one day why Alzheimer's patients always say No. She said,
"you know Bobby when I say NO that doesn't mean anything, its just the easiest thing to say."
Wow. What a revelation.
The bottom line here -- you must become a guide. In order to do this effectively you have to relax and accept this role. Nonverbal communication is the most important variable in this equation. The smile, the outreached palm of the hand, and internal solitude.
From time to time you might also have to lend your brain to the dementia patient. Why not? Two head are better than one.
Two people working together, instead of two people at odds.
It really is kinda wonderful once you get the hang of it.
I got the hang of it after a couple of thousand frustrating moments and stomach aches. I hope this helps you make it happen with less "strain relief" than I needed.
Bob DeMarco is the Founder of the Alzheimer's Reading Room and an Alzheimer's caregiver. The ARR knowledge base contains more than 3,811 articles with more than 356,100 links on the Internet. Bob lives in Delray Beach, FL.
Original content Bob DeMarco, the Alzheimer's Reading Room