We have been here for three days now and I am starting to really hate it. I am starting to hate to go to the bathroom, go to the lobby,or just out of the room to tell you the truth. There is only one way in and one way out.....no detours, no short-cuts, no trying to ignore what is going on just on this floor. I have cried myself to sleep just thinking of all the folks up in here and what there families are dealing with.......you can't help but to feel for what they are going through.
Some of these patients we have seen around City of Hope in clinic or here during chemotherapy. So it's easy to think don't look, keep going, but you do look. Just to make sure everything is alright even if its not. I guess that is just how we are build to look even if you have no business looking...we look and I do. I thought about wearing my damn sunglasses but I think someone would think something is up, especially after visiting hours are over.
I want to reach out to the whole family and give them a great big hug and say everything is going to be alright but the truth of it is, it's like Marco says "It is what it is." It is a raw reality and we are very exposed to all of that here.
I am already a mess being here again, having Marco go through this shit again, being here watching them put poison in his veins and counting on "hope" that it will shrink the "F"ing tumors. I sit here and watch him tolerate this ,wondering what goes through his mind. I know that the fear is tremendous ,we all feel it. The unknown is what scares me the most, I think.
The what and where do we go from here is scary shit too. We have to just sit and wait to see what the chemo does. Helpless is what I feel. Wanting to do more and I can't, is like having my hands tied up behind my back. Like Kriticona said in the last post you just want to find out who is exactly responsible for all this so I can just give them an ass kicking ,they wouldn't know what hit them. Whom ever it is!
Well today the kids came down to COH, thanks to Salt-n-Pepper and Medicated Man. The nurses didn't want Marco to go down to the lobby. But later on in the evening they made an exception to let him go down to the main lobby for about 5 min. which we all enjoyed.
I would like to thank everyone for all your support and thoughtful words we really appreciate each and everyone of you.
Handsome we know you can do it again! We are all here for whatever you may need weather you want it or not. We love you!
Why are you crying? Marco asked after our afternoon walk down the hall...so I turned to him both with teary eyes and said cause I can. lol