Ah. Pain. Plain ol' pain. How does it hurt? How does my whole body feel sad? It doesn't even stop at my body, I feel it exuding past the lines of my skin. I feel it around me. Sad.
My guts hurt too. Swollen, bloated, tight, aching.
Not to mention my back.
Pain, stupid, pain. You hurt me, but I will never be able to hurt you.
I am not going to run away from you anymore.
No more drinking. No. More. Drinking.
I don't think I am an out of control alcoholic. I have never had what they call an "eyeopener"- that sounds disgusting. But I get into these patterns. Where I can't remember the last night I went without a drink. And I am in one of those right now. There were maybe one or two nights I went without. And, obviously, tonight. Because I am tired of hurting. I want to know if I stop drinking, if I will feel better. I want to know if my digestive system will start acting normal, if I will start to get into better shape, if my sadness will be less, if my chest will not twinge.
I feel guilty. Because I have not been trying my best. Because I have been hooked by shadowy thoughts, such as, "I am screwed, nothing really matters anyway." Or, "I have had cancer, poor me, I should be able to do whatever I want while I am still here." Or, "I feel helpless, beaten down, behind the game, and I don't have the will to go on. If I have to go on, I'm going to do it half-assedly. Because this is all I can manage, right now, and I am hardly managing even this."
I started looking at these nutrition books, today. I hate them. I hate reading about food and recipes and how women are supposed so much more naturally better "caretakers," of their bodies and of their partner's body. Etc., etc., etc. I hate it because it would be so nice if that was me and I was there and I had taken better care of myself and had the energy and love and light to even realistically imagine myself in that position. But I feel like such a mess and I wish someone would just take care of me and help build me back up.
Well that person who is going to help me is ME. Each day is another chance to try again. Find one recipe, go buy ingredients, make a juice. I'll get good sleep tonight and wake up feeling better. I will do better. I will be better. I am better.
My guts hurt too. Swollen, bloated, tight, aching.
Not to mention my back.
Pain, stupid, pain. You hurt me, but I will never be able to hurt you.
I am not going to run away from you anymore.
No more drinking. No. More. Drinking.
I don't think I am an out of control alcoholic. I have never had what they call an "eyeopener"- that sounds disgusting. But I get into these patterns. Where I can't remember the last night I went without a drink. And I am in one of those right now. There were maybe one or two nights I went without. And, obviously, tonight. Because I am tired of hurting. I want to know if I stop drinking, if I will feel better. I want to know if my digestive system will start acting normal, if I will start to get into better shape, if my sadness will be less, if my chest will not twinge.
I feel guilty. Because I have not been trying my best. Because I have been hooked by shadowy thoughts, such as, "I am screwed, nothing really matters anyway." Or, "I have had cancer, poor me, I should be able to do whatever I want while I am still here." Or, "I feel helpless, beaten down, behind the game, and I don't have the will to go on. If I have to go on, I'm going to do it half-assedly. Because this is all I can manage, right now, and I am hardly managing even this."
I started looking at these nutrition books, today. I hate them. I hate reading about food and recipes and how women are supposed so much more naturally better "caretakers," of their bodies and of their partner's body. Etc., etc., etc. I hate it because it would be so nice if that was me and I was there and I had taken better care of myself and had the energy and love and light to even realistically imagine myself in that position. But I feel like such a mess and I wish someone would just take care of me and help build me back up.
Well that person who is going to help me is ME. Each day is another chance to try again. Find one recipe, go buy ingredients, make a juice. I'll get good sleep tonight and wake up feeling better. I will do better. I will be better. I am better.