"Vegetarian" Eating Summer Sausage in Winter...Is There a Support Group For This Kind of Thing?
Posted Dec 14 2009 8:48pm
Okay.I'm really really really not a vegetarian any longer. I haven't been for a while. Especially since cancer. Having cancer makes some people more health conscious. Me....well, I was already straddling the line of healthy and unhealthy and have been for a long time, but as far as food goes, I have really for a long time been a pretty sensible eater. Not overly conscious, in the past few years, but conscious. I would almost always go for the vegetarian option, if possible, and if not, I would go with the fish, and if not, occasionally the chicken. But red meat, like bacon and beef... I just didn't go there. I've read some books, I've seen some films, I am not ignorant as to what goes on. And it isn't pretty, doesn't seem healthy, and, well, I just didn't have a very strong attachment to red meat. It was easy to give up and walk away from.
After cancer, though, after chemo, after rads, my attitude and craving regarding these things has just changed. I feel more vicious. I feel more ravenous. And I just feel like...it is here....in this house, and I am hungry, it might as well be consumed by me. Life is violent. Life has teeth. Life has an appetite. I have teeth. I have an appetite. Why not consume while I still can?
So, here I am, at 1:40 in the morning, eating a snack of chopped up summer sausage, cheddar cheese, and Sun Chips. And drinking some Rolling Rock.
Such a glutton :P. Not really. I mean, sort of, but I could be worse! As much as I have complained on here about my fear of gaining weight, etc., etc, I pretty much consume what I want, when I want.
And that just depends on the day. Somedays, I go all day, without barely eating anything. Then at night, I get hungry, and have a few snacks. Somedays, I ate 3, relatively normal meals, even though I might sleep in between them. Like today, I had a coffee and plain Softie doughnut for breakfast, mac and cheese for lunch, a couple of left over veggie pizza slices for a snack, a couple of small slices of bread with bits of cheese and turkey for another snack, and then veggie quessidillas and nachoes for dinner. Then I had a chocolate christmas object on a stick. And tonight....well, I had some pretzals and now I am having this. But tomorrow I may not eat very much at all. Today I have been quite the consumer. And the sleeper.
I took two .05 xanax today (morning and early evening), and usually I only, if any, take one at night, right before trying to go to sleep. Both times I took it today, it just put me, nearly, right to sleep. Which, I guess, was the right thing. Because I was feeling anxious and I just didn't want to be awake with it. I honestly, just felt like being, plain old, closed off and lazy. I wore my pajama's practically all day. I didn't shower until 8 or 9 tonight. I did travel back and forth between houses. My mom's and my dad's. Different things that I needed were at different houses. When I took a shower and got dressed (finally) around 9 tonight, my mom was like, "What are you doing?" Ha ha ha. This is the time most people are getting ready for bed, was her thinking. And she is right. That is true. The sun goes down, and it seems like the right time for people and other animals to rest. But I had been resting all day. I wasn't planning on going out, except, well, back to my dad's, but it would've felt too strange to get back in my pj's. I had to spend at least some time pretending to be a normal, wakeful, living, constructive human being.
And I do have a small project that needs to be done over here. That is to clean this god-forsaken room. This room has been neglected. Things have piled up. It really is not so terrible. I mean, it does not look so good, but it will be easy to fix. I imagine that I could have it fixed up in less than an hour, if and when I put my mind to it. Well, I'll have to put more than my mind to it, that is for sure. My body will have to cooperate as well. Because I am not THAT talented.
It's confession time. It's 2 AM and I am just in that kind of mood. I may not tell another living breathing soul, but I will tell you, BLOG, and any mind that may happen upon you. I know I am not making the BEST choices. I am also not making the WORST choices. I don't know exactly what I'm doing, except, I know I am not trying TOO HARD.
The thing is....I do the things I need to do, and I also do the things my heart directs me to do. Today, the things I needed to do, were to get in touch with two doctor's offices. One, to find out the result of a test, and Two, to find out what to do about my concerns regarding, do I need a PET scan before I leave for Tallahassee, is everything okay, etc, etc? Well the results of test One were as they are usual, and that is stable, and that has nothing to do with the Hodgkin's. Two, was to speak to Laurie, a nurse who works for Dr. Warmuth, my local oncologist. And his message to me was, NO, a PET is not necessary. Follow up with a CT scan in 3 months. HOWEVER, it is a good thing I did call them, because my planned appointment for this Friday was cancelled, and it had to be rescheduled for Thursday. SO, I will go in on Thursday. To consult with Dr. Warmuth and have my "port flushed." I've still got that darned thing lodged in my body and will for a while. For less than a year, I am sure.
The other thing I really had to do today, which I did, was contact the graduate music FSU office regarding an important question: namely, WHEN do I need to be there to do "orientation" and to register for classes? I've been trying to get the answer to this question since, last Wednesday or so. Considering my own, limited, schedule as of late, I cannot be too hard on them, with their delayed response. Who am I to talk? Still....I am going to leave another message tomorrow. I have also contacted another, related office, and I was re-directed back to this, as of yet, unresponsive, office. Like I said, I empathize. But I will need to know eventually. Eventually, I will know.
One other productive thing I did today: finish reading a little book my mom gave me. It was called "Have a Little Faith" by Mitchell Albom. I am glad I read it and appreciate it's wisdom. I appreciate the work that Albom does, and I also appreciate the work that the pastor and the rabbi he writes about does/did. In spite of my appreciation of the subject matter, I am still going to critique the book. (This, also, I find myself doing more after cancer and, my college education). Mitch, could you have made the book make a little more sense??? (Coming from me, I admit, this is a funny criticism...but)....it was beautiful, spiritual, insightful, and, for certain people (a lot of people I imagine for these times), progressive, but parts of your story didn't make any fucking sense. Particularly, the part where you discussed the "pastor" and also referred to him as "the Reb" and then sort of alluded to something....something of which I am not even sure you were alluding to. Are you saying that these two men happened have the same nickname, or that they were the same person, or what? What were you trying to say?
I'm sorry. I'm in a pissed off mood. Well part of my mood is pissed. Not the whole thing. I probably shouldn't be eating summer sausage. Too much violence involved.
Oh yeah, thought I should mention...usually I am horrible at critiquing things. Usually only the nice things to say come to my mind and that is what I focus on. At least, that is the way it used to be. Since cancer, whenever I read a book, I notice things I dislike. And then feel the need to share them. I went to effort of reading the work, I might as well through out my response. At the same time, I do so, half seriously. I, am no position to speak, besides being behind this keyboard and computer screen. Do I look like a published book author to you???
I am just a summer sausage in winter eating, between undergrad and grad school student, between mom and dad's house living, cancer ass kicking, funny movie watching, diverse music listening, sleepy, crazy, under-exercised, daily Prednisone taking, twenty-five year old, mortal, immortal, just dancing my dance and doing my thing.