So, I had some contact with Bill again recently. And I will just tell all of my mentors and my touchstones on this, that YES, I TOTALLY FAILED. That we bicker back and forth like ridiculous middle schoolers. We push each other’s buttons and it is a spectacle. It is a trainwreck. You would seriously be unable to look away. I cant seem to stop responding to him. And he can’t seem to stop responding to me. What the heck is wrong with us?

The last contact was when I was able to enter the house a couple weeks ago. The police were supposed to be present and Bill was responsible for calling them. They never came. He claimed he called them a few days prior, but from personal experience (and from many friend’s personal experience) they do not take appointments and they would have told him exactly that. I had tried that a couple months prior. I caught Bill in several other outright lies and rather than just letting them go, I threw them in his face.  I know better. Still, I did it. For 2 solid hours. As if that is going to resolve anything with a liar.

He refused to work with me on many issues between us. Many of my remaining items were missing, and they were there just a few weeks prior when I accessed the house before the courts granted him possession. So, now he is stealing from me. Nice. I have no income and he steals. Still, pointing this out is not helpful to a thief and a liar.

He refused to pay the plumber (that he insisted upon that we had to pay overtime for a 5 minute job that I could have handled myself) HALF of the bill. He agreed in the presence of our attorneys and family just a week prior, yet refused in the moment. So, bullied Angie paid the whole thing. Because that is what I do – I let him beat me down and then I figure out what to do with the scraps. We have requested payment through his attorney’s office, but we will see where that leads. I threw that in his face as well – as if that is helpful to a cheat, a thief and a liar.

Ugh. Listen to me. Yes, I am bitter. How do I stop being bitter over things like this?

Then yesterday as I was perusing through my ITunes on my computer I came across something that alarmed me like nothing else. Bill had synced his phone to my computer in the past. Turns out there were over 10 voice memos. Some 30 seconds in length, some 45 minutes in length –  Recordings in which he was the only one that knew it was being recorded. Recordings of him and me. Recordings of my children and me. Recordings of my children and him. Not to mention being completely illegal in the state of Illinois, WHO DOES THIS? It was beyond upsetting to me. As if the conversation is going to be accurate when one party suddenly changes his tune because he realizes he is being recorded. Recording MY CHILDREN? Trying to catch Gavin in a lie about whether or not I had given him permission to do something?! Nuh-Uh. You crossed the line!

So, I sent him an email that morning letting him know what I found. What was I hoping to accomplish? I have no idea. As if this is helpful to a sneak, a cheat, a thief and a liar.

What ensued was a full day of heated back and forth between two people that were acting like idiots. Both of us. It went a lot like this. Accuse, insult, plead, insult, comment, accuse, insult, plead, comment, insult, insult, insult, insult, threat, insult, insult, threat, insult, insult, insult.

Both of us guilty.

Bill’s final words (threat) to me yesterday were that he was going to follow through and not disappoint me on being exactly who I accuse him of being – which was basically someone who steals from fatherless children and widows, someone that continues to rack up legal fees and make no effort to resolve matters, someone that many people have come to me since our separation and told me they had wanted to warn me about but were hoping they were wrong, someone that pathologically lies and creates a non-existent reality, someone that thinks he is above the law, someone that thrives on this conflict and will be empty when it is over, etc. Yes, I said all this to him yesterday.  As if any of that would do any good WHATSOEVER?!?

My final words (insult) to him yesterday – mocking his current job and level at Caterpillar after he told me to get a job and involved my family in the comment. Nice. Very classy of me.

TOTAL FAIL!

Awesome.

This is SOOO going to trial. Ugh. Over a house and some savings. I am embarrassed to go in front of a judge that has told both of our attorneys this case needs to settle.

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Still, after I realized that I am never going to get my things back that Bill has chosen to hide from me, I went shopping last week. I bought my spices, rubs, sauces and some other household items Bill would NEVER use but kept from me. It was the best grocery bill I have ever paid. It was freeing because he may feel he is winning by taking from me, but my joy was not robbed in that moment. It felt like moving on. It made St. Charles feel more like home.

I need to remember that. I need to continue down that path.

My aunt told me last week – if your biggest problem can be solved with money, then you don’t have a problem.

I need to remember that. All Bill and I are resolving is property and money. While I am having a hard time moving on (mainly due to the fact that I have so much money tied up in a house that is nowhere near resolved despite my urgings for months), it is mainly money keeping me from doing so.

Oh, and the fact that we are still legally married.

I made a little bit of progress last week.

Still, How do I let go while I am still married? While my funds that are my livelihood are tied up?

Suggestions?

KEEP BELIEVING