So, I had some contact with Bill again recently. And I will
just tell all of my mentors and my touchstones on this, that YES, I TOTALLY
FAILED. That we bicker back and forth like ridiculous middle schoolers. We push
each other’s buttons and it is a spectacle. It is a trainwreck. You would
seriously be unable to look away. I cant seem to stop responding to him. And he
can’t seem to stop responding to me. What the heck is wrong with us?
The last contact was when I was able to enter the house a
couple weeks ago. The police were supposed to be present and Bill was
responsible for calling them. They never came. He claimed he called them a few
days prior, but from personal experience (and from many friend’s personal
experience) they do not take appointments and they would have told him exactly
that. I had tried that a couple months prior. I caught Bill in several other outright
lies and rather than just letting them go, I threw them in his face. I know better. Still, I did it. For 2 solid
hours. As if that is going to resolve anything with a liar.
He refused to work with me on many issues between us. Many
of my remaining items were missing, and they were there just a few weeks prior
when I accessed the house before the courts granted him possession. So, now he
is stealing from me. Nice. I have no income and he steals. Still, pointing this
out is not helpful to a thief and a liar.
He refused to pay the plumber (that he insisted upon that we
had to pay overtime for a 5 minute job that I could have handled myself) HALF
of the bill. He agreed in the presence of our attorneys and family just a week
prior, yet refused in the moment. So, bullied Angie paid the whole thing. Because
that is what I do – I let him beat me down and then I figure out what to do
with the scraps. We have requested payment through his attorney’s office, but
we will see where that leads. I threw that in his face as well – as if that is
helpful to a cheat, a thief and a liar.
Ugh. Listen to me. Yes, I am bitter. How do I stop being
bitter over things like this?
Then yesterday as I was perusing through my ITunes on my
computer I came across something that alarmed me like nothing else. Bill had
synced his phone to my computer in the past. Turns out there were over 10 voice
memos. Some 30 seconds in length, some 45 minutes in length – Recordings in which he was the only one that
knew it was being recorded. Recordings of him and me. Recordings of my children
and me. Recordings of my children and him. Not to mention being completely
illegal in the state of Illinois, WHO DOES THIS? It was beyond upsetting to
me. As if the conversation is going to be accurate when one party suddenly
changes his tune because he realizes he is being recorded. Recording MY
CHILDREN? Trying to catch Gavin in a lie about whether or not I had given him permission to do something?! Nuh-Uh. You crossed the line!
So, I sent him an email that morning letting him know what I
found. What was I hoping to accomplish? I have no idea. As if this is helpful
to a sneak, a cheat, a thief and a liar.
What ensued was a full day of heated back and forth between
two people that were acting like idiots. Both of us. It went a lot like this. Accuse,
insult, plead, insult, comment, accuse, insult, plead, comment, insult, insult,
insult, insult, threat, insult, insult, threat, insult, insult, insult.
Both of us guilty.
Bill’s final words (threat) to me yesterday were that he was going to
follow through and not disappoint me on being exactly who I accuse him of being
– which was basically someone who steals from fatherless children and widows,
someone that continues to rack up legal fees and make no effort to resolve
matters, someone that many people have come to me since our separation and told
me they had wanted to warn me about but were hoping they were wrong, someone
that pathologically lies and creates a non-existent reality, someone that
thinks he is above the law, someone that thrives on this conflict and will be
empty when it is over, etc. Yes, I said all this to him yesterday. As if any of that would do any good
My final words (insult) to him yesterday – mocking his current job and
level at Caterpillar after he told me to get a job and involved my family in the
comment. Nice. Very classy of me.
This is SOOO going to trial. Ugh. Over a house and some
savings. I am embarrassed to go in front of a judge that has told both of our
attorneys this case needs to settle.
Still, after I realized that I am never going to get my
things back that Bill has chosen to hide from me, I went shopping last week. I
bought my spices, rubs, sauces and some other household items Bill would NEVER
use but kept from me. It was the best grocery bill I have ever paid. It was
freeing because he may feel he is winning by taking from me, but my joy was not
robbed in that moment. It felt like moving on. It made St. Charles feel more
I need to remember that. I need to continue down that path.
My aunt told me last week – if your biggest problem can be
solved with money, then you don’t have a problem.
I need to remember that. All Bill and I are resolving is
property and money. While I am having a hard time moving on (mainly due to the fact
that I have so much money tied up in a house that is nowhere near resolved
despite my urgings for months), it is mainly money keeping me from doing so.
Oh, and the fact that we are still legally married.
I made a little bit of progress last week.
Still, How do I let go while I am still married? While my
funds that are my livelihood are tied up?