Time for a heart to heart talk... Not only with you all, but with myself.
I have been experiencing anticipatory grief and anxiety. I know, I know, my posts are usually upbeat and positive. Writing that way actually helps me to live that way. I have been trying to trust in the Lord, cling to His promises, and think positive; stay strong. But today was just a bad day. I'm a grouch. Yep. I just want to go out into a field in the middle of nowhere and scream at the top of my lungs. Would probably do me some good. I am angry today. Angry at God? Well, maybe a little.... Angry at Cancer? More than can be measured!!! The past couple of weeks, I've been in the shock/disbelief stage. A friend asked me how I was one day and I replied, "numb." I honestly did not feel anything. Well, that's different now. The past couple of nights I have not slept well. I wake up from nightmares and find my hands clenched in fists. Sometimes my jaw hurts, which means I've been grinding my teeth. I also feel some stiffness in my neck (which is usually the first sign I'm stressed out).
I am anxious about our trip to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance on Thursday. We will be seeing one of the world's top experts in Colon Cancer. What will he tell us? Will there be any options for Ron? If so, what will he want to do? If there is nothing left, how long do we have? What can we expect? So many unknowns. [Deep breath] One day at a time. One step at a time.