I am just sick of it. Sick of having been diagnosed with cancer, sick of thinking about it, sick of worrying, sick of having reminders around me all the time of what happened, sick of being angry, sick of being frustrated, sick of being jealous and resentful of others without this burden, sick of being the "go to" person because I am a cancer survivor, sick of getting tested, sick of getting test results, sick of feeling powerless, sick of not knowing, sick of night sweats, sick of hot flashes, sick of periods that are barely periods that sometimes come and go when they feel like it, sick of being irregular, sick of feeling older than I am, sick of the idea that I cannot bare children, sick of all the feelings that topic brings up in me, sick of people around me having babies and my feeling negatively about it, sick of the thought of my closest friend having a baby doesn't only bring up joy and happiness, sick of the negativity, sick of being a survivor.
Where does this rant come from? I got my blood work results back. And they remain consistent at 8. Now, I KNOW that I SHOULD be grateful, happy, relieved, etc. I SHOULDbe glad that my level hasn't gone up again. But, the truth is at this point I am just riddled with anger and resentment. Annoyed that the level didn't come back down to the usual 5 or 6. Annoyed that I cannot just appreicate that fact that I am well and that it didn't go up. I really want to feel happy, relieved, hopeful - but I don't. Not today. Not yet. I just got the results and all I can really feel is just frustration and anger. Both are feelings that I don't like - I don't like feeling this way.
So sick of it. Just sometimes wish all of it would just go away and leave me alone. Reh.
I am just sick of it. Sick of having been diagnosed with cancer, sick of thinking about it, sick of worrying, sick of having reminders around me all the time of what happened, sick of being angry, sick of being frustrated, sick of being jealous and resentful of others without this burden, sick of being the "go to" person because I am a cancer survivor, sick of getting tested, sick of getting test results, sick of feeling powerless, sick of not knowing, sick of night sweats, sick of hot flashes, sick of periods that are barely periods that sometimes come and go when they feel like it, sick of being irregular, sick of feeling older than I am, sick of the idea that I cannot bare children, sick of all the feelings that topic brings up in me, sick of people around me having babies and my feeling negatively about it, sick of the thought of my closest friend having a baby doesn't only bring up joy and happiness, sick of the negativity, sick of being a survivor.
Where does this rant come from? I got my blood work results back. And they remain consistent at 8. Now, I KNOW that I SHOULD be grateful, happy, relieved, etc. I SHOULDbe glad that my level hasn't gone up again. But, the truth is at this point I am just riddled with anger and resentment. Annoyed that the level didn't come back down to the usual 5 or 6. Annoyed that I cannot just appreicate that fact that I am well and that it didn't go up. I really want to feel happy, relieved, hopeful - but I don't. Not today. Not yet. I just got the results and all I can really feel is just frustration and anger. Both are feelings that I don't like - I don't like feeling this way.
So sick of it. Just sometimes wish all of it would just go away and leave me alone. Reh.