Today I cried. I went to my friends son's first birthday party. I was not feeling well at all. Actually, I haven't felt well all week. Yes I had surgery Monday and yes I flew home less than 24 hours after. Within 48 hours I was back in law school. I have to admit, I made a mistake. Rest is what I needed and not less than 24 hours, I should have rested for at least a week. Everyone told me I was making a mistake but as usual I wouldn't listen. For some reason I insist on learning everything the hard way.
There is a reason to my madness. I'm not stupid, I know that after surgery a person should rest. However, I am so sick and tired of being sick. All I do is rest, sleep, relax, take it easy. When will it stop? I want to get on with my life. I want to get over what happened to me and move forward. My life is so frustrating. I know what I want to do, how I want to live my life, where I want to be but its always just out of my reach. When I am done resting from surgery I will be resting for some other reason. Maybe a fever, maybe the pain will get bad again, maybe I will be exhausted. I can't remember the last day I felt like a normal person.
So today I cried because i want so badly to be healthy. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything. Energized, motivated, excited what I would give to have just one day when I felt those things. Instead I fight everyday to put on the appearance that I feel those things. I am patiently waiting for the day that I feel like a normal human being again!