**Warning: High drama and bad writing ahead**

Okay, I think my mom is worried because she does not want me to be merely the experimental subject to the doctor's ambitious research motivated whims. I do I empathize with this; as neither do I! However; I honestly wish that we could have gone over this before today...ugh. From the Dr's, I feel like I have made the best choice available! I started out with quite a large tumor--seventeen centimeters...yikes! It is general practice to follow up with radiation.....from what I have heard, Proton Therapy is even better than normal radiation. Seriously, I am doing the best I can! I refuse to sit around and read cancer text books all day! Yes, I am aware of, and, I believe, reasonably aware of the pulmonary toxicity that occured when I was undergoing chemotherapy. I don't understand why my mom sat here for a couple of hours and worked of freaking me out about it, when, if she really is that concerned, why doesn't she call Dr. Hoppe herself?

I know there is more at work here, but is it really my job to analyze all that and explain it to her...wouldn't that be rude?

I am sorry I am just upset, mentally! I wish, if my mom really wanted to get upset, emotionally, mentally, vocally, whatever, she just would. I am up for that. I feel like what is bothering her is just bubbling at the surface and the furtherst it will reach is my ears, and far too delicately. I am (1) frustrated and (2) freaked out. I (1) Sure wish she would speak with Dr. Hoppe instead of me; and (2) Wish had been before my first day of radiation than after.

Ah. Here it Goes.

P.S. I am thankful that you care.