My last post led to an outpouring of support from friends and strangers. Thank you all.
If I can sum up the thrust of the advice, it seems to be:
'You've had a difficult time. Any number of things could be making you blue. This too will pass. Look after yourself.'
So I am trying not to catastrophise or dwell on feeling a little bit down, and it seems to be working. I slept better last night too, something that always improves my mood almost exponentially, as anyone who has had to put up with me when I've had less than 8 good solid hours in the Land of Nod will tell you. (If I ever start a conversation with you with the words, "I slept really badly last night," make your excuses and leave. Really. It will be best for both of us.)
Another thing that always perks me up is spending time with my godson, Ellis. Ellis is now 4 years old and so utterly himself that he takes my breath away. Ellis and I have always had a lovely relationship - I was there at the moment he was born and have stayed as close as I can since. (Not physically. He has two lovely parents and a new sweet baby brother to look after him on a day to day basis.)
Louise, Ellis's Mum and my best friend these 20 years, has always treated Ellis like the intelligent soul he is, so he has known about the cancer for as long as we have. (Please be reassured: not in graphic detail. Along the lines of Auntie Stevie having something in her that shouldn't be there, and she needs to have an operation and special medicine to make it go away.) And he has reacted with love and heartlifting honesty. When I had my PICC line he was very distressed by it. I explained what it was for, and showed him where the special medicine would go, and said it was a kind of robot arm. Elllis's reaction? "If I was a robot, Auntie Stevie, I would NOT have THAT in MY arm." Fair dos. Similarly, when my hair was just starting to come back, and everyone was being very encouraging about how good it looked, Ellis said, "I just think you look a bit scary." Which was exactly what I thought every time I looked in the mirror.
Yesterday, Louise, Ellis and baby Tarran came for lunch, and then Ellis and I spent some time together. First, we had a bit of a chat about Wolverine, Ben-10, Transformers and BatMan.
Then we went to the cinema to see Ice Age 3 together. It was in 3D, so we were given the necessary eyewear.
Pretty cool, huh?
I won't say too much about the film except that Ellis reviewed it as "amazing!' and if it had gone on much longer I may have chewed off my own leg to distract me from watching. But the experience was lovely and being told I was Ellis's "best Auntie Stevie" did me no end of good. (Yes, I am his only Auntie Stevie, but that's not really the point.)
So, you all perked me up. Ellis perked me up. Later, over dinner, Jude perked me up. I think I've found a venue for the Bah! to Cancer party, so that perked me up too. And I've had some other good news, that I'll write about separately. Perk, perk, perk.
In 48 hours I've gone from the wrong side of blue to the right side of perky. I like it much better here.