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"Let It All Fall Down"

Posted Sep 07 2008 8:17pm
The title of this blog is something my friend and brother, Eric, always says. Today was one of those days where I really need to heed his advice. Over the past several years, it became common for him to look at me and say, "Sis, you've got to let it all fall down."
Today was one of those emotionally difficult days. They happen to the best of us. Things don't go the way you expect in many areas and then you feel out of control and ... well, you have to then let it all fall down, release attachment to outcomes, and try your best to give up the need or desire to control.

Fact is, we are never really in control, our ego just thinks we are. It's that "our resistance to 'what is' causing our suffering" message again. So, I have to let it all fall down as it will and try my best to take my hands off the steering wheel.

My friend, Elizabeth, and I made the trip to see the chemotherapist today. Bless her for being with me and for taking 7 pages of handwritten notes. How did I ever deserve such a friend? Gratitude.

Despite my own plans, it looks like I will have to take the 3 weeks off for the final weeks of this treatment at the strong suggestion of my chemotherapist. And, speaking of the chemotherapist, I guess I need to correct something I wrote in the last blog. According to this doctor, just because the scan didn't show activity in those two lymph nodes, this does not mean it's not there. So, my misunderstanding. However, I also know this is a science vs. faith thing, and I am definitely about faith. So ... there it is.

I have to have a port put in my chest next week and then I will start treatment shortly thereafter, which will involve 5 days per week of radiation and 24/7 chemo by drip through the port. Good news is this is for 5 weeks rather than the 6-8 weeks I was expecting. So, that's an easy expectation to drop. Two months after this treatment, I will have surgery, and then two more months of chemo immediately thereafter. The whole process is going to take 6 months, or as I always like to say, instead: 24 weeks. Weeks always sound shorter than months to me.

Tonight I have my Native flute music on in the background as I type this as it always calms me. And, I'm trying to pull myself up from under all the information I've been receiving, as well as the fears that rear their little heads sometimes. Not so much fear of what I'm about to go through, but the fear of losing control (which I don't really ever have anyway) of all the little details I'm taking care of to have this go as smoothly as possible. Lots to remember and pull together. Funny how logic loses out to emotions sometimes. But, it most certainly does!

Wanted to get this update on here for those checking daily. Thank you for reading and caring. It means a lot to me.

Releasing expectations and attachment to outcomes. That is on the drawing board for tonight and this weekend. That should relieve a lot of stress pretty quickly. Faith ... it's all about faith.

I will be writing more over the weekend. Hope everyone has a happy 4th of July.

Nothing really planned for tomorrow, well, nothing except ... I'm going to let it all fall down.

I know I am lucky, and I am very grateful for that. Thanks for listening.
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