Just got back from my appointment with the pain doctor a little while ago. The short version is that it most likely is going to be ANOTHER month before I have any relief from the pain. That alone almost sent me into tears but then of course, it continued.
I told him that the Zonegran has done nothing for the pain thus far and all it does is leave me feeling groggy the next morning and with a headache. For twenty days I've had this stuff so you would think it would do something by now. At first he wanted to up the dosage but then he decided instead to put me on an anti-depressant that supposedly has shown to help with nerve pain/damage. So I was put on Cymbalta 30mg for two weeks and then 60mg and come back in 6 weeks. :(
He asked how my moods were lately and I told him honestly that I'm on the verge of tears most days because the pain just takes so much out of me. Of course, then I was given the schpeel about how depression can do this, this, and this and so on and told that the Cymbalta will help that as well.
Why in the hell can doctors NOT get that I do NOT have depression, I don't want depression, and I have no reason to feel I should have depression?! YES, I have been through alot and yes I know other people at this point might have depression but the ONLY thing that is bugging me right now is that I am in pain nonstop!! It's like they just can not comprehend that someone might actually be able to handle life and deal with a crappy hand they might be dealt. I'm sorry I'm not a wimpering ball of depressed muck so they can all have the joy of diagnosing me and putting me on MORE pills.
I have been through some really hard stuff in my life. Stuff that SHOULD have depressed me and tossed me into a pit but I'm stronger than that. BTW- anyone with depression please don't think I'm saying you are weak. I'm just talking about my feelings about myself personally. I'm all for it for other people. LOL. Anyway- I've been through plenty of other crap and never had depression nor did I take meds for it so just because I have cancer and have been through hell the last year I automatically SHOULD have depression and beg for meds?
Please, if I won't let cancer and genetic screw ups take me out do you really think I'm going to let something like depression have me? Sorry it's just not happening and I really wish doctors would accept that. Well I should say Dr L has accepted that because she doesn't even ask anymore. She knows that if I ever think I need something I will ask and I greatly appreciate that.
I do like this new pain doctor don't get me wrong. He is very kind, courteous, and trying to help me out. I just wish he would quit pushing this depression thing on me. Of course, now it's kind of taken care of isn't it thanks to taking the Cymbalta for pain (in combo with the Zonegran)? Oh well, maybe if nothing else it will work on the pain and make me a Stepford Wife for a couple months. LOL
He also explained that the reason he isn't giving me meds that work immediately is because he feels it will take about 4-6 months at least for me to not have problems with pain anymore and he really wants to help me with the long term rather than short term so that is why we are using the Zonegran and Cymbalta. I appreciate that even if it is hard right now while I'm hurting so bad. He also said that the Cymbalta is just to help during this 4-6 months and he in no way expects me to have to continue on it or use it for long term depression or anything. At least he's catching on. ;) I told him that works for me because I'd rather save the anti-depressants for people who actually have depression but again, if it makes me act like a Stepford Wife for a few months then we'll consider it an early Yule gift to Vin and the kids. LOL