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I became so used to not having control that I forgot about the things I really could control. Bugger.

Posted Sep 07 2008 8:10pm

Why o why o why o why o why o why o why did I not simply end things with the boyfriend when we spoke on the phone the other day? Why didn't I know that in a matter of HOURS I would realize that I am so over that 2 years of long-distance dating thing (I believe I worked it out to 23 days spent in the same city over the last two years)?

Why o why o why o why o why o why do I have to develop a crush now?

I could kick myself right now. Or maybe this is a kick in the ass c.o. the universe -- stop being so bloody complacent. And stop with the rationalization all the time!

Wasn't I just worrying about dating after cancer? I've discovered it won't be as difficult as I thought, provided I do something about The Boyfriend (must clarify - I love The Boyfriend, but I don't love being in a relationship with him. Thus the problems).

I used to worry that The Boyfriend would leave me because I had cancer. Then I worried that he wouldn't leave me because I had cancer (both at the time and after the fact), even if he really wanted to. I've worried that one of the reasons he has stayed so far away has been because he doesn't know how to break up with me without looking like a bad guy.

I still worry about those things, and I am still worried about dating again as the person I am now - the thought of having to explain scars and painful sex (which will hopefully stop at some point, say, when I am having sex regularly again), or of having to explain how much the whole experience has hurt - all this frightens me, and I don't really know how to go about it. But I will only know by throwing myself into it; this isn't something I can plan out. Are there any books out there on this topic? Has anyone written about dating after the diagnosis of a potentially fatal disease? People do it, I know.

O God, and The Boyfriend has booked a ticket into town for the wedding, and I feel sick, really really sick because I should have just said something, but he dropped this so last minute, and I will probably see him, throw up, burst out crying, and tell him we aren't together anymore.

I considered asking The Crush to be my date to the wedding, and I've had a couple people tell me I should invite him anyway, The Boyfriend or not (and these are people who are friends with The Boyfriend, not just rabidly wonderfully supporters of Louise), but the possible blow out(s) from that could be ugly. Or rather would be ugly, with everyone feeling uncomfortable and alienated, and more than anything, it wouldn't be fair to my friend who is getting married. I am sure he just wants everyone to play nice (and he likes The Boyfriend an awful lot, so he wouldn't likely be on my side).

Okay everyone. I need you to chime in and give me the confidence to end this thing with The Boyfriend. And tell me why it isn't terrible that I am doing this when he is coming in town for our friend's wedding (or why I am terrible. I can deal with it).

[redacted former-crush-identifying information]

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