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hope, fear, irritation, exhaustion

Posted Jan 09 2004 12:00am
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Well, that was annoying -- I had typed in about a page and hit some bad key combination and *poof*, it disappeared. Harumph.

It was a very long day today. I de-Christmas'd the entire house, mostly because I don't want to have to deal with it tomorrow! I took down all the outside lights and left them for DH to pack up and put away as he sees fit. Since he is the one who puts them up, I don't think that's so bad of me. Especially since I did everything else, except put the ornament boxes back out in the garage. I can't easily reach the shelves they go on, anyway, and it would be a disaster of epic proportions if they got dropped. I would seriously cry if my beauties got smashed.

Usually I get a little down when I put away all the Christmas stuff, today I just felt... numb, I guess. It was time to take them down. I'm not really ready for them to go away this year, but I know it's time. I think maybe I'm having some weird hormonal stuff, sort of a delayed post-hysterectomy thing. Or it could just be seasonal blues, I don't know. But I do know I've been pretty emotional and awful lately about picking fights with DH. Maybe it's just because I'm tired.

The "irritation" part of above comes from the DH conversation about DS1's report card. He got all A's except a B in math; first quarter he got all A's. His teacher marked the grade with the comment, "very self-motivated, works independently." To me, that means he is working ahead on his own and is doing well, even if his grade did drop from an A to B. He's not having anyone hold his hand to get it, which I think is tremendous. Since I do his homework with him every day, I know that he really "gets" all the concepts they are covering. In fact, I rarely help him with his homework, I just look it over when he is finished. I think it's pretty darn cool that a first grader can sit down and do his homework all by himself. So, anyway -- DH says, I want to look over his work and see if we can find ways to improve it, or find a solution or something like that. I assure DH that DS1 doesn't have a problem with math. Then we start going around in circles, well, there must be a problem because he got a B -- yes, but he's working on his own now -- why did he get the B, anyway? -- probably because he got more wrong answers on his tests or work sheets -- blah blah blah.

During all this I found myself getting increasingly pissed off at DH. Finally I realized it's because I work with the kid every day, I talk to his teacher nearly every day when I pick him up and she always tells me if there is anything like a problem, I look at all his work that he brings home -- and I am 100% sure that there is no "problem" here, there isn't anything that requires a "solution" or "improvement". The kid "gets" math. Maybe his lower grade reflects the fact that he missed some days this quarter, I don't know. But I'm certainly not worried about it. I say all this to DH, and he still says, "Yes, well, that's what you think, but I still want to look over his papers and see if I can find anything..." and I want to scream.

The guy totally does not get that he is dissing me. So I lay it out for him in those terms: This is my job, and it's like you're my supervisor coming in and saying you're going to have review all my past work (when you've never said anything previously), because productivity has fallen a smidge. Of course he gets all PO'd about the "supervisor" thing because he doesn't think he's my boss (neither do I, but I was trying to use an illustrative example)...

Finally, I just gave up on it. There is something going on with me where I am all of a sudden sensitive to crap like this when I don't need to be. DH has never, ever criticized my parenting ability and I don't know why I'm taking this personally the way I am. It's so STUPID. I hate it and I know it's stupid and yet at the same time, I can't seem to make myself shup up and just not go there with him... which makes me think it's hormones, because that was the biggest characteristic of my PMS-induced craziness: I knew I was being (slightly) insane, but I couldn't control it. ****. I hate being this way. I hope I settle down soon.

The hope & fear parts of the title up there are regarding a freelance job which I seem to have landed just from knowing the right people. One of my dearest friends recommended me to a lifelong friend of hers who is starting up a little software company, and they need a tech writer with discretion. So, the guy called me today (almost immediately after I got an email from my friend saying she wasn't sure when he would call me, !) and we talked for at least 20 minutes, half-hour about his company and requirements.

Honestly, it's an interesting product and I know I can do it. So, why am I so terrified? Up sides: most of the work needs to get done in the next 6 weeks, which is great because my Mom is here and she can help out with stuff that I tend to blow off when I'm busy, like cooking or laundry... plus just having another adult around the kids is always great. I'm also psyched about making a little cash, too, although who knows how much it will turn out to be. Another big plus... having the work under my belt and a reference!

Yet, the fear remains: what if I can't do it? It has been over 4 years since I worked with software types. Does my brain still work? Obviously, since I was able to converse intelligently about the product with the guy. Still, I don't want to let him down, I don't want to let my friend down. I don't really think I will, but there is that nagging feeling underneath everything, "Who do you think you are? You're not really a writer!" Which is such crap because no matter what else I've ever done, I've always been a writer! I love it when I can smack my inner doubts back into submission, and this one is pretty ludicrous and weak but it's still there.

Of course, I'm also terrified that I'm overextended already, because before my DF called me with this potential job, I had sent email to LCL magazine, and I heard back from Rob that they liked my column idea... still, writing for LCL is the least I can do to help support this amazing community, plus it is a subject that is so easy for me...

Well, DH is home from his night out with the boys, so I'm off now. This will be a busy weekend, an old friend from work whom I haven't seen in years is in town on business, and she's coming over on Sunday. We'll catch up and watch football. It should be fun, but I want to make a batch of chili and do some baking tomorrow before she comes. Not to mention clean the house a bit -- just vaccuum and the bathrooms, dust, nothing major.

And put away the laundry... I swear, I really wish there was a laundry fairy !

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