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Posted Aug 02 2011 7:17pm

Yesterday, I heard our child's heartbeat for the first time!  Yes, that means we are expecting, that our surrogate is officially pregnant.  She is currently at 10 weeks, and yesterday she was so kind as to hold the phone up to the ultrasound machine so that I could hear the heartbeat for the first time.  Words cannot describe the joy and happiness that sound brought me!

Let's backtrack.  Our embryo transfer was in June, and we waited patiently for the results of a blood test to see if our surrogates numbers were climbing.   What excitement that was to find out that indeed the transfer did take, and she was producing some great numbers.  In fact, her HCG levels were so high we were initially considering if she could possibly pregnant with twins.  We found out at her 7 week ultrasound that was not the case, and indeed there was just one healthy baby!  To be honest, there was a bit of disappointment with that news as the idea of having twins was becoming more and more possible.  But, at the same time - I feel completely blessed to have any children - so beggars can't be choosers. 

In addition to being over the top excited, my anxiety has certainly being kicked up ( what else is new?)  Not that I am anxious about the pregnancy, as I completely trust our surrogate to take excellent care of our growing fetus.  I am also not really anxious about becoming a parent, as I feel I am as ready as I will ever be - and after years of waiting for it to happen - I feel pretty confident.   Even though, I have had all sorts of baby dreams lately.  My personal favorite being that our baby was born very early, and was the size of a 6 month old at birth.  I remember asking the doctor in my dream if our baby is going to be a giant! LOL.  So I guess subconsciously there is some anxiety there.

But my anxiety of course is related to my experience with cancer.  It's one thing to think about going through cancer when you are single, or in a relationship.  It's a whole other thing to think about cancer in relation to being a part of a family and raising a child together.  Having a child, means you want to be around for a loooooong while.  And one thing that going through cancer can do - is it makes your view of the future seem very uncertain.  So, at a time where I am looking forward to having a long future as a mom - it scares me to think about the uncertainties of things.  So, with that said, I have regressed back to thinking that all of my little quirks and ailments are about cancer.  I am back to going to the doctor more frequently to get benign things checked out just to be safe.  For example, I had a bump under my tongue that took me to the dentist twice and then to an oral surgeon who told me it was a clogged salivary gland!  I was convinced I had oral cancer, and that is what it was!  Who even knew that could happen!!! 

I don't know if this feeling will continue to increase as the pregnancy continues, or perhaps even once the child is here.  I guess when you think about how much you have to live for - you don't want to imagine anything coming along and jeopardizing that.  But when I start to get a little nutty, I just keep thinking about out sweet baby's heartbeat, and all is just fine :)


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