I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. Mine was OK, food, family - blah blah blah. I had an enjoyable, pretty relaxing four day weekend which was much needed! I need to get ready for all the craziness that comes with the holidays.
Recent events, went to see Ani Difranco in concert last week and it made me so so happy. I discovered her my freshman year of college, and instantly became a huge fan. Over the years I have watched her career, and have bought all of her albums - however, hadn't been to one of her shows in about 7 years. So it was very nostalgic and most enjoyable. S0 much so, that we ran home and bought tix to see her again in January! Yay!
Been back on an upswing with working out. I do always feel better physically and mentally when I am exercising. Let me be reminded of that when I go through the winter hiatus.
I have a CT scan tomorrow - joy. Not excited at all. Not looking forward to drinking the contrast smoothie, nor the IV contrast which makes me feel like I have to pee (those of you who have unfortunately been there know exactly what I am talking about)
But I am seeing my favorite doc ever next week - my onc. I have some questions prepared for her. Last year, I asked her at what point (how many years of being NED) would she feel comfortable with myself going forward and exploring the idea of carrying a pregnancy. (For those tuning in - I lost my ovaries to OC but still have a uterus so I could have a donor egg / hubs sperm implanted). Her response, upset me at the time was that "a lot of people make it to three years - lets give it more time." Six months ago when I saw her, I was complaining about some hormonal stuff with regards to being on Loestrin and asked if she would put me on a higher level hormone pill to rid of some of the effects. She flat out denied, and stated she was not comfortable with that and wanted me to remain on a low estrogen pill. My concern is, if she wouldn't put me on a higher estrogen pill - will she ever think it's OK to start messing with higher levels of hormones to carry a pregnancy? She, being from the oncology field - wanting to keep me cancer free - may never say she will approve that idea.
I have been thinking a lot about this lately. Because I think that in order to get myself through being ill, through surgery, and chemo. I was optimistic about keeping my uterus - just in case - I wanted to use it in the future. I never really allowed myself to process the "what ifs" regarding not being able to.
Now, I am 30 years old, happily married. And questi0ning - do I want a family? OR am I thinking about this so much because it is a challenge that has been presented and I feel like I have to overcome it? And am I thinking about it because that is what I am expected to do (expected by family, society, myself)? I don't know if that makes sense, but there is a real defiant part of me that struggles with being told that I can't do something. And I feel like I was sick for a reason, and is that reason to prevent me from having a family (or a sign that maybe I shouldn't) OR is the reason for me to really sit and ponder whether having a family is something I really want - rather than something that I should do.
My thoughts are all jumbled in my head about the idea really. I mean, how does one figure out that they want to be a parent? And if so, how does one grasp the fact that in order to become a parent the process is going to be long and difficult? And then how does one make the decision whether or not to put their health at risk in the process OR seek out other methods of having that family?
These are some of the post turkey thoughts. Hope that you heads are clearer than mine! I am going to eat some more left overs.
I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. Mine was OK, food, family - blah blah blah. I had an enjoyable, pretty relaxing four day weekend which was much needed! I need to get ready for all the craziness that comes with the holidays.
Recent events, went to see Ani Difranco in concert last week and it made me so so happy. I discovered her my freshman year of college, and instantly became a huge fan. Over the years I have watched her career, and have bought all of her albums - however, hadn't been to one of her shows in about 7 years. So it was very nostalgic and most enjoyable. S0 much so, that we ran home and bought tix to see her again in January! Yay!
Been back on an upswing with working out. I do always feel better physically and mentally when I am exercising. Let me be reminded of that when I go through the winter hiatus.
I have a CT scan tomorrow - joy. Not excited at all. Not looking forward to drinking the contrast smoothie, nor the IV contrast which makes me feel like I have to pee (those of you who have unfortunately been there know exactly what I am talking about)
But I am seeing my favorite doc ever next week - my onc. I have some questions prepared for her. Last year, I asked her at what point (how many years of being NED) would she feel comfortable with myself going forward and exploring the idea of carrying a pregnancy. (For those tuning in - I lost my ovaries to OC but still have a uterus so I could have a donor egg / hubs sperm implanted). Her response, upset me at the time was that "a lot of people make it to three years - lets give it more time." Six months ago when I saw her, I was complaining about some hormonal stuff with regards to being on Loestrin and asked if she would put me on a higher level hormone pill to rid of some of the effects. She flat out denied, and stated she was not comfortable with that and wanted me to remain on a low estrogen pill. My concern is, if she wouldn't put me on a higher estrogen pill - will she ever think it's OK to start messing with higher levels of hormones to carry a pregnancy? She, being from the oncology field - wanting to keep me cancer free - may never say she will approve that idea.
I have been thinking a lot about this lately. Because I think that in order to get myself through being ill, through surgery, and chemo. I was optimistic about keeping my uterus - just in case - I wanted to use it in the future. I never really allowed myself to process the "what ifs" regarding not being able to.
Now, I am 30 years old, happily married. And questi0ning - do I want a family? OR am I thinking about this so much because it is a challenge that has been presented and I feel like I have to overcome it? And am I thinking about it because that is what I am expected to do (expected by family, society, myself)? I don't know if that makes sense, but there is a real defiant part of me that struggles with being told that I can't do something. And I feel like I was sick for a reason, and is that reason to prevent me from having a family (or a sign that maybe I shouldn't) OR is the reason for me to really sit and ponder whether having a family is something I really want - rather than something that I should do.
My thoughts are all jumbled in my head about the idea really. I mean, how does one figure out that they want to be a parent? And if so, how does one grasp the fact that in order to become a parent the process is going to be long and difficult? And then how does one make the decision whether or not to put their health at risk in the process OR seek out other methods of having that family?
These are some of the post turkey thoughts. Hope that you heads are clearer than mine! I am going to eat some more left overs.