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Feeling Tense

Posted Nov 09 2008 11:35pm
At the end of the day yesterday and again tonight, I am really feeling bummed out, scared and a little hopeless. Vivi has really been feeling sick, throwing up a lot, crying and fussing, with short rays of happiness or playfulness. Today her teething was driving her to the brink, I think I can feel a lower-right tooth bulging just under the gum.

I am just scared that she not going to respond as well to chemo anymore, and that this is going to be it - more bad days, fewer good days. The docs seem consistent in warning me that Vivi will NOT be the one, that we will NOT get a miracle. I understand where they are coming from, but they have really gotten to me right now. Made me have doubts about whether it is even worth continuing.

When I ask them about some of the things I've read about - Flavopiridol, the Dendritic Cell-based Solid Tumor Vaccination and so forth, when I consider gamma knife radiosurgery or full cranio-spinal proton beam radiation, I don't see or hear any glimmer of hope from them. The report I get back is that our only hope can be for short-term life extension for Vivi.

Everything seems RELENTLESSLY hopeless. So much is against Vivi - her age, the unavailability of cranio-spinal radiation, the extent of metastasis on presentation. I'm having a rare day where I feel like I just positively cannot endure this torture anymore. But the one who actually has to endure is Vivi, and she's doing so much better, with much more strength and bravery, than me. Up until today, I have maintained some hope, some tiny glimmer of feeling like it "could" happen, even if it probably wouldn't. But every single thing has come together today to convince me that it's just not a possibility at this point, and I should get it together.

And in this time post-Cisplatin when she's so sick, with the anticipation the high fever and dangerously elevated respiration rate that has historically followed shortly thereafter, I just wonder whether we are doing the right thing for VIVI, or acting because we know WE need her. She's our only baby, she's so wonderful, I absolutely love being a Mother and I just don't know how we could possibly do anything if we lose Vivi. I can't picture it at all, and I think that is my brain censoring thoughts that would just tear me to pieces.

If the end result is going to be the same, maybe it would be better not to put her through days of throwing up constantly, being poked, prodded and bothered, and so forth.
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