deep breath
note:
well I can breath a bit of a sigh of relief at least that is what I was told at my most recent 3 month follow up. It appears that for the last year the odds were not in my favor for a relapse and that after year one post chemo the pendulum swings back into my court and the odds going forward get better and better in my favor against me having a relapse each year. but with that said I was told by a member of my hematology team that even though the percentage rate of relapse going into year 2 of remission is considerably lower it does not mean that I am in the complete clear and that a relapse with the sub type that I have can happen at any point and that it is important that I stay aware of my heath and that I continue to come for my 3-4 month follow ups with them. With this news came the news that my port-a-cath will be removed in late november as now that my risk of relapse is lowered that it is better for me to remove the foreign object from my body so avoid other complications. I have to admit that the thought of having it removed is stirring up similar feelings as to that of a mother taking a baby's security blanket away, Im afraid that taking it out now will jinx me and Ill end up with a relapse 2 weeks later or that my veins are still not ready to be poked regularly for blood work yet. I know logically these are unrealistic fears and that in the end that getting my chemo-port removed is a big step in the right direction towards moving forward and away from being a cancer patient. the question still stands am I psychologically ready for this next monster step away from some thing that has become such a huge part of my life over the last 19 or 20 months of my life, am I ready to put cancer completely behind me? I mean in some ways it is but but having the port removed and being told that I graduated to a lower risk level for relapse is a lot to ask for someone to digest who just went through all that I did over the last yeah and a bit, technically its not even a year since I completed chemo (november 28th 2008 is my year anniversary). how does one re-integrate after having a life threatening illness that turns their entire life upside down forcing them into making major life changes and instigates other long term health issues (I see a cardiologist in 2 weeks and I still have intermittent numbness in my hands and fingers), do you just jump right back into things like nothing happened or do you ease back into it slowly? And what about all the "what ifs", like the hematologist I saw last week said "I cant promise you that you wont relapse 2 weeks after we remove your chemo-port, as it has happened but I can promise you that its not some thing that happens often". I guess this is just one more lesson in how to live with the gray knowledge where there are no 100 percents but to rather to just trust all will be ok in the end and to move forward. I go see a cardiologist in 2 weeks I will learn more about what is going on with my newly discovered post chemo heart defect and what all this means for me beyond more life style changes (which I have started to make already) and more medication added to my daily intake. I know its not the end of the world having this but it certainly does make it hard to move forward from cancer with all these daily reminders hanging around like a heart defect.
note:
well I can breath a bit of a sigh of relief at least that is what I was told at my most recent 3 month follow up. It appears that for the last year the odds were not in my favor for a relapse and that after year one post chemo the pendulum swings back into my court and the odds going forward get better and better in my favor against me having a relapse each year. but with that said I was told by a member of my hematology team that even though the percentage rate of relapse going into year 2 of remission is considerably lower it does not mean that I am in the complete clear and that a relapse with the sub type that I have can happen at any point and that it is important that I stay aware of my heath and that I continue to come for my 3-4 month follow ups with them. With this news came the news that my port-a-cath will be removed in late november as now that my risk of relapse is lowered that it is better for me to remove the foreign object from my body so avoid other complications. I have to admit that the thought of having it removed is stirring up similar feelings as to that of a mother taking a baby's security blanket away, Im afraid that taking it out now will jinx me and Ill end up with a relapse 2 weeks later or that my veins are still not ready to be poked regularly for blood work yet. I know logically these are unrealistic fears and that in the end that getting my chemo-port removed is a big step in the right direction towards moving forward and away from being a cancer patient. the question still stands am I psychologically ready for this next monster step away from some thing that has become such a huge part of my life over the last 19 or 20 months of my life, am I ready to put cancer completely behind me? I mean in some ways it is but but having the port removed and being told that I graduated to a lower risk level for relapse is a lot to ask for someone to digest who just went through all that I did over the last yeah and a bit, technically its not even a year since I completed chemo (november 28th 2008 is my year anniversary). how does one re-integrate after having a life threatening illness that turns their entire life upside down forcing them into making major life changes and instigates other long term health issues (I see a cardiologist in 2 weeks and I still have intermittent numbness in my hands and fingers), do you just jump right back into things like nothing happened or do you ease back into it slowly? And what about all the "what ifs", like the hematologist I saw last week said "I cant promise you that you wont relapse 2 weeks after we remove your chemo-port, as it has happened but I can promise you that its not some thing that happens often". I guess this is just one more lesson in how to live with the gray knowledge where there are no 100 percents but to rather to just trust all will be ok in the end and to move forward. I go see a cardiologist in 2 weeks I will learn more about what is going on with my newly discovered post chemo heart defect and what all this means for me beyond more life style changes (which I have started to make already) and more medication added to my daily intake. I know its not the end of the world having this but it certainly does make it hard to move forward from cancer with all these daily reminders hanging around like a heart defect.