Now, isn't this just the cutest puppy you have ever seen? This puppy was born in Japan - I believe. I think I will ask Santa for him too!
Well, Christmas has come early - almost by 2 weeks. I now have a surgeon! His name is Dr. Tabet at Urology One, Inc. in Canton Ohio. He is a very compassionate surgeon and likes what he does - I have always said that you ought to have fun with your occupation!! Of course, I will try not to think of him dancing around in the operating room to the sounds of Mary J Blige while he is removing my kidney. That is a frightening thought! There is to be no crunking while I am in the OR. No 'putting your hands in the air like you don't care', no 'through the roof' gestures, no 'electric slide' as the doctors take turns inspecting my organs. Save the party for when you give me a good pathology report. Or at least bring me out of the anesthesia long enough for me to celebrate a bit too!
The plan is to do an open partial nephrectomy - about a 6 inch incision if possible. Wouldn't matter if the incision was 2 feet long - not like I will be donning a bikini anytime soon :) (Just a note - bikinis were never intended for big girls). The goal is a partial - but could end up being a total. I don't care as long as he gets this tumor out of me. He is calling in a General Surgeon to address the liver during surgery. They will try to biopsy my liver at that time - but if the lesions are too deep, they won't be able to. I should be in the hospital for 3-4 days then will come home with a drain in. He said with any luck we will have the pathology report back before I come home - but he just did one of these last week and still doesn't have the path report back - so it depends on if there are any questions by the pathologist. Since he has to coordinate the surgery with a General Surgeon - we will hopefully have a surgery date today - aiming for January 3rd.
Though I am extremely excited about this - this will not stop my pursuit for changes to the health care system and better Medicaid guidelines to help close the gaping hole that is left for most of us to fall through. My battle is just really beginning. I am hoping for a Stage I if there is no liver involvement - but prepared to hear Stage IV if that is the case. I have only won one small battle - the war begins in a few weeks. I think I will call it 'Operation Sparrow'. I choose the sparrow because (A) I like them (B) they symbolize peace and God's presence to me - I described in an earlier post about the sparrow that flew in the breezeway the night Sadie passed away and how loudly the sparrows were singing at that moment. Just as God provides for the sparrow - he will provide for me. I don't know what will come of Operation Sparrow - but it is indeed a war - a war on the cancer that resides in me.
I actually got a reply from Dr. Day - of course she didn't address anything that I asked her. She told me that her way of curing cancer is God's way - that her way won't work if I am looking to man (doctors) to fix this - and that I have to be 100% committed and not just do her program because I can't afford conventional treatment or it won't work. That really helps. You know, I gave her the perfect platform to sell me on her program. If she thought for one minute that her program would cure my kidney cancer - she would have said it. Perhaps she read yesterdays entry on the blog and sensed my skepticism. Either way - I think it is just another way of getting money. If anyone had been cured of their cancer besides her - I would have found it on a google search.
On another note, when you get the diagnosis of cancer - it really puts things in perspective. It makes you do a whole lot of thinking. It can even make you want to make amends with people that you have been bitter about. Well, I took a small step in that direction yesterday. For the first time since August when I picked up my last paycheck - I walked back through the doors of where I used to work at. I was pretty nervous about running into the boss and never actually intended to ever go back there. My friend Delta - my former co-worker and newest member of the Team Operation Sparrow - got me a Christmas present and told me to come get it after my doctors appointment. First, just let me say, that I LOVE my new Mr. Coffee coffeemaker that she gave me. Apparently she read my 'Black Friday and I didn't get my $3.94 coffeemaker because I have cancer and didn't want to go out at 5am' part of this blog. That is why I love her so much.....she is just awesome and knows just how to put a smile on my face and make me forget about cancer for a few minutes. As far as making amends - I got to talk to the boss yesterday. You know, he didn't seem so sinister anymore. He smiled more in the 15 minutes that I was there than he did the whole year I worked for him. He showed a side of him that I had not seen before....or at least only had rare glimpses of. He was genuinely concerned about how I was doing and very happy for me that I have found a surgeon. I even got in a crack about where my salary went after I was fired - toward his nice new leather chair in his office and the new giant shredder. It turns out that my old boss has a sense of humor.
I do miss working there - though as Delta pointed out very quickly, him and I should never ever work together in the same office again - I miss my friends and I miss the routine I had there. And yes, I miss my $15 an hour. No, I haven't forgotten the stress I felt working there. Yes, I still think he can be unreasonable at times - but it is HIS company and he can be any way he wants to be. That is the beauty of 'employment-at-will'. As I said before - it is far better to work for someone who doesn't know a damn thing about what your job is. On a lighter side, I didn't get to say the things that maybe a girl with cancer would like to say. A part of me wanted to say I am sorry for any role I played in our little hostile work environment. But I didn't. Hey - I never said I was perfect in this - I stood up for myself on a number of occasions and obviously did this one too many times. Though I felt justified, I also got fired. Had I been in a financial place to just call it quits earlier in the game, I would have. I would have saved us all the grief and the hassle. It is never wise to put yourself in a place where you are totally dependent on that salary or that job. But at least I am now ready to let go of my anger and move on. He may never realize how much that job meant to me - how much I truly enjoyed what I did and the people I worked with - how much I really did care about that place. But I know and that is really all that matters. It is now time to move on and fight a whole new war.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Not only getting forgiveness - but giving it. It is a 2-way street. Again, there are so many emotions that go along with a cancer diagnosis. It has made me take inventory on so many things in my life. The battles that seemed huge before just pale in comparison now. Before cancer, I was just going on about my routine as if things would always be that way for the next 30 or so years. Even at 37 you still feel a tad bit invincible - like you have all the time in the world and cancer happens to other people, not you. My life and way of thinking came to a screeching halt on October 22nd when I read that Certified Letter. I can't explain it - but I knew - I knew this was going to change everything. As I read the words 'mass in the right kidney', the word cancer appeared in my head like a neon Budweiser sign. I cried the whole way home - thoughts shooting through my mind of how I was going to tell my husband, how I was going to tell my parents. Unfortunately, the emotions haven't gotten any better......granted this blog and my support group are helping me to continue down that road to acceptance and a certain sense of peace. But make no mistake, I am just as scared as the rest of us who are fighting this.
I have so much more to do with my life. I never accomplished the things that I wanted to. I really did want to be a nurse. I think I would have been a better nurse than I am a bookkeeper. Looking back, I don't feel as though I have done much with my 37 years. I haven't done anything spectacular.....no huge accomplishments other than getting my college degree. Believe me, if I make it through this and live to help others - I will also be making some serious changes. I want to accomplish something that benefits others - not just myself. Something that will make a difference for decades to come. I don't know what that is - but I will work hard to find it.
On a funny note, God really does have a sense of humor! Yesterday I posted how my big joy was getting a rental refrigerator. I also commented that now all I need is a stove to make my life complete. Turns out that mom went to make brownies yesterday and the handle to the oven door fell off in her hands. Gee - could it be that I may be getting a stove? If I were my father, I would just super-glue the handle back onto the glass door......which he may read this and say, 'Hey - good idea!'. But eventually I will get a stove. What I really want to do more than anything this year is to bake Christmas cut-out cookies. I usually do this each year - but unless I can find an Easy Bake Oven at Goodwill - it ain't gonna happen. Can you imagine coming over to my house and seeing a bright pink Easy Bake Oven on the counter? That would be funny.......but that kind of ranks up there with the same mental instability of a 37 year old woman with cancer writing Santa Clause a letter in hopes that he will throw a Urological Surgeon down her chimney on Christmas morning. And no, I didn't write to Santa after all - the St. Nick box being so close to the funeral home just felt like a bad thing to begin with - and true mental health is being able to realize when you are about to lose a grip and pulling yourself back from the edge. Instead I wrote a letter to George W. I suppose that doesn't support my theory that I am sane and don't need Paxil either, huh?
Well, supposedly we have a Winter Storm coming soon. This is Ohio and as they say, 'if you don't like the weather, just wait a few hours'. I hope we get a good snow storm.....and believe me, I will be playing in it too. Though I am not 5 years old anymore and I am in pain, I do plan on making a snow angel - just because I can. And what a BIG snow angel she will be!!! I will be charging up the digital camera and hopefully get to snap some good pictures. I will try to post some to the blog for you. I should also think about changing the picture that is on this blog too. It is one of my better mug shots - but it isn't a realistic display of who I am. I should be wearing sweats with a toboggan on my head, sitting in front of my computer sipping coffee. Now that would be more realistic. Or a picture of me asleep in the recliner - which is happening more and more. I don't know if I can really blame the cancer for that - the recliner used to belong to my dad and he had the same problem :)
I will post later in the day when I get my surgery date.
Now, isn't this just the cutest puppy you have ever seen? This puppy was born in Japan - I believe. I think I will ask Santa for him too!
Well, Christmas has come early - almost by 2 weeks. I now have a surgeon! His name is Dr. Tabet at Urology One, Inc. in Canton Ohio. He is a very compassionate surgeon and likes what he does - I have always said that you ought to have fun with your occupation!! Of course, I will try not to think of him dancing around in the operating room to the sounds of Mary J Blige while he is removing my kidney. That is a frightening thought! There is to be no crunking while I am in the OR. No 'putting your hands in the air like you don't care', no 'through the roof' gestures, no 'electric slide' as the doctors take turns inspecting my organs. Save the party for when you give me a good pathology report. Or at least bring me out of the anesthesia long enough for me to celebrate a bit too!
The plan is to do an open partial nephrectomy - about a 6 inch incision if possible. Wouldn't matter if the incision was 2 feet long - not like I will be donning a bikini anytime soon :) (Just a note - bikinis were never intended for big girls). The goal is a partial - but could end up being a total. I don't care as long as he gets this tumor out of me. He is calling in a General Surgeon to address the liver during surgery. They will try to biopsy my liver at that time - but if the lesions are too deep, they won't be able to. I should be in the hospital for 3-4 days then will come home with a drain in. He said with any luck we will have the pathology report back before I come home - but he just did one of these last week and still doesn't have the path report back - so it depends on if there are any questions by the pathologist. Since he has to coordinate the surgery with a General Surgeon - we will hopefully have a surgery date today - aiming for January 3rd.
Though I am extremely excited about this - this will not stop my pursuit for changes to the health care system and better Medicaid guidelines to help close the gaping hole that is left for most of us to fall through. My battle is just really beginning. I am hoping for a Stage I if there is no liver involvement - but prepared to hear Stage IV if that is the case. I have only won one small battle - the war begins in a few weeks. I think I will call it 'Operation Sparrow'. I choose the sparrow because (A) I like them (B) they symbolize peace and God's presence to me - I described in an earlier post about the sparrow that flew in the breezeway the night Sadie passed away and how loudly the sparrows were singing at that moment. Just as God provides for the sparrow - he will provide for me. I don't know what will come of Operation Sparrow - but it is indeed a war - a war on the cancer that resides in me.
I actually got a reply from Dr. Day - of course she didn't address anything that I asked her. She told me that her way of curing cancer is God's way - that her way won't work if I am looking to man (doctors) to fix this - and that I have to be 100% committed and not just do her program because I can't afford conventional treatment or it won't work. That really helps. You know, I gave her the perfect platform to sell me on her program. If she thought for one minute that her program would cure my kidney cancer - she would have said it. Perhaps she read yesterdays entry on the blog and sensed my skepticism. Either way - I think it is just another way of getting money. If anyone had been cured of their cancer besides her - I would have found it on a google search.
On another note, when you get the diagnosis of cancer - it really puts things in perspective. It makes you do a whole lot of thinking. It can even make you want to make amends with people that you have been bitter about. Well, I took a small step in that direction yesterday. For the first time since August when I picked up my last paycheck - I walked back through the doors of where I used to work at. I was pretty nervous about running into the boss and never actually intended to ever go back there. My friend Delta - my former co-worker and newest member of the Team Operation Sparrow - got me a Christmas present and told me to come get it after my doctors appointment. First, just let me say, that I LOVE my new Mr. Coffee coffeemaker that she gave me. Apparently she read my 'Black Friday and I didn't get my $3.94 coffeemaker because I have cancer and didn't want to go out at 5am' part of this blog. That is why I love her so much.....she is just awesome and knows just how to put a smile on my face and make me forget about cancer for a few minutes. As far as making amends - I got to talk to the boss yesterday. You know, he didn't seem so sinister anymore. He smiled more in the 15 minutes that I was there than he did the whole year I worked for him. He showed a side of him that I had not seen before....or at least only had rare glimpses of. He was genuinely concerned about how I was doing and very happy for me that I have found a surgeon. I even got in a crack about where my salary went after I was fired - toward his nice new leather chair in his office and the new giant shredder. It turns out that my old boss has a sense of humor.
I do miss working there - though as Delta pointed out very quickly, him and I should never ever work together in the same office again - I miss my friends and I miss the routine I had there. And yes, I miss my $15 an hour. No, I haven't forgotten the stress I felt working there. Yes, I still think he can be unreasonable at times - but it is HIS company and he can be any way he wants to be. That is the beauty of 'employment-at-will'. As I said before - it is far better to work for someone who doesn't know a damn thing about what your job is. On a lighter side, I didn't get to say the things that maybe a girl with cancer would like to say. A part of me wanted to say I am sorry for any role I played in our little hostile work environment. But I didn't. Hey - I never said I was perfect in this - I stood up for myself on a number of occasions and obviously did this one too many times. Though I felt justified, I also got fired. Had I been in a financial place to just call it quits earlier in the game, I would have. I would have saved us all the grief and the hassle. It is never wise to put yourself in a place where you are totally dependent on that salary or that job. But at least I am now ready to let go of my anger and move on. He may never realize how much that job meant to me - how much I truly enjoyed what I did and the people I worked with - how much I really did care about that place. But I know and that is really all that matters. It is now time to move on and fight a whole new war.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Not only getting forgiveness - but giving it. It is a 2-way street. Again, there are so many emotions that go along with a cancer diagnosis. It has made me take inventory on so many things in my life. The battles that seemed huge before just pale in comparison now. Before cancer, I was just going on about my routine as if things would always be that way for the next 30 or so years. Even at 37 you still feel a tad bit invincible - like you have all the time in the world and cancer happens to other people, not you. My life and way of thinking came to a screeching halt on October 22nd when I read that Certified Letter. I can't explain it - but I knew - I knew this was going to change everything. As I read the words 'mass in the right kidney', the word cancer appeared in my head like a neon Budweiser sign. I cried the whole way home - thoughts shooting through my mind of how I was going to tell my husband, how I was going to tell my parents. Unfortunately, the emotions haven't gotten any better......granted this blog and my support group are helping me to continue down that road to acceptance and a certain sense of peace. But make no mistake, I am just as scared as the rest of us who are fighting this.
I have so much more to do with my life. I never accomplished the things that I wanted to. I really did want to be a nurse. I think I would have been a better nurse than I am a bookkeeper. Looking back, I don't feel as though I have done much with my 37 years. I haven't done anything spectacular.....no huge accomplishments other than getting my college degree. Believe me, if I make it through this and live to help others - I will also be making some serious changes. I want to accomplish something that benefits others - not just myself. Something that will make a difference for decades to come. I don't know what that is - but I will work hard to find it.
On a funny note, God really does have a sense of humor! Yesterday I posted how my big joy was getting a rental refrigerator. I also commented that now all I need is a stove to make my life complete. Turns out that mom went to make brownies yesterday and the handle to the oven door fell off in her hands. Gee - could it be that I may be getting a stove? If I were my father, I would just super-glue the handle back onto the glass door......which he may read this and say, 'Hey - good idea!'. But eventually I will get a stove. What I really want to do more than anything this year is to bake Christmas cut-out cookies. I usually do this each year - but unless I can find an Easy Bake Oven at Goodwill - it ain't gonna happen. Can you imagine coming over to my house and seeing a bright pink Easy Bake Oven on the counter? That would be funny.......but that kind of ranks up there with the same mental instability of a 37 year old woman with cancer writing Santa Clause a letter in hopes that he will throw a Urological Surgeon down her chimney on Christmas morning. And no, I didn't write to Santa after all - the St. Nick box being so close to the funeral home just felt like a bad thing to begin with - and true mental health is being able to realize when you are about to lose a grip and pulling yourself back from the edge. Instead I wrote a letter to George W. I suppose that doesn't support my theory that I am sane and don't need Paxil either, huh?
Well, supposedly we have a Winter Storm coming soon. This is Ohio and as they say, 'if you don't like the weather, just wait a few hours'. I hope we get a good snow storm.....and believe me, I will be playing in it too. Though I am not 5 years old anymore and I am in pain, I do plan on making a snow angel - just because I can. And what a BIG snow angel she will be!!! I will be charging up the digital camera and hopefully get to snap some good pictures. I will try to post some to the blog for you. I should also think about changing the picture that is on this blog too. It is one of my better mug shots - but it isn't a realistic display of who I am. I should be wearing sweats with a toboggan on my head, sitting in front of my computer sipping coffee. Now that would be more realistic. Or a picture of me asleep in the recliner - which is happening more and more. I don't know if I can really blame the cancer for that - the recliner used to belong to my dad and he had the same problem :)
I will post later in the day when I get my surgery date.