But for some reason today, I'm feeling a little -- ok, a lot -- better. Like I have a firm grip on things, not just clinging by my fingertips (no wonder I have no fingerprints).
But back to the endo. Her assistant called me today with my numbers. My TSH is up to 0.07, from 0.05 back in September -- that tiny .02 difference probably does explain my extended funk. My T3 was running low-normal, too, but I'm too lazy now to go find the paper so I can actually record the number here. So, there really is something going on with me, chemically, so to speak.
Here's the insane part: the endo wanted to bump up my T3, Cytomel, from 5 mcg/day to 25 mcg/day. She wanted to quintuple my dose of T3! When I went to Houston in 2005, I was nearly literally bouncing off the walls on only 15 mcg/day -- every single practitioner who saw me remarked on how agitated I was. Of course I was freaked out about needing a neck dissection, but it wasn't just that, I was bordering on thyrotoxicosis.
I refused, after I told the nice assistant that the recommendation was insane. (I think I actually used that word.) I asked, "Does she know I'm on only 5 mcg now?" Apparently, she does. And she thinks going from 5 to 25 is just the thing to straighten me out.
So I begged off, saying I would explore other possibilities (cyclical hormonal fluctuations are still a good possibility). Then I called to make an appointment with a new endo that comes highly recommended. I can't get in to see the new doc until February, but I'm hoping a cancellation will get me in sooner.
Anyway: I figure I can bump myself up to 10 mcg/day, a dose I was on for a very long time, without doing any undue damage. A huge part of my brain is appalled at the idea of self-medicating this way, but the rest of me just says, oh, get over it. I have a ton of Cytomel and my prescription is actually for 10 mcg/day, even though I haven't taken that much in months. So I could argue I'm going back to what was actually prescribed. Still, the "you know you're not supposed to do that" feeling is lingering... but now that I know that my TSH actually did tick up a little, I don't know why I'm hesitating.
I think I feel better because there really was a change in my labs. It's such a relief to know it's not "all in my head." Tomorrow will be the real challenge -- better still, or back to hanging off that cliff? I am so tired of that scene. I need to remember all the physical symptoms pointing to hypothyroidism, too -- and not just the weight gain. This is real, and it needs to be treated.
At this point I don't know I'm even waiting for tomorrow to take more Cytomel. I could've taken more this morning after the phone call. I need to get over this resistance and just do it.