Today was the hardest day in a long time.
All day, I've been crying thinking about Vivi. And everything is setting me off - from people who want to deny healthcare to sick people, to those who take life for granted, to the mere existence of people who have never had to watch their perfect child - the best child ever born - die. I am so filled with anger and sadness, today, that I might explode.
I'm not sure I could ever love anyone as much as I love Vivi, and what scares me right now is that (today at least) I don't even want to try anymore. I know that I will, BECAUSE I love her (and what she taught me) so much, but it seems too much to ask at the moment. Waking up tomorrow morning feels like too much to ask. Having a normal conversation without snapping is, as you know if you've tried to talk to me today, too much to ask.
I had some equine therapy today, and an hour or so at Heaven's Gate Farm always helps. And I am sure to have a good weekend, with family, but....when everything in the world sets off tears, resentment, anger, self-pity and thoughts of Vivi, it seems easier to disengage from the world until the hardest bit of these feelings passes by. I know that they will, and I do believe at heart all the positive, spiritual and loving associations I have made, but right now - none of it helps. I'm too angry.
All day, I've been crying thinking about Vivi. And everything is setting me off - from people who want to deny healthcare to sick people, to those who take life for granted, to the mere existence of people who have never had to watch their perfect child - the best child ever born - die. I am so filled with anger and sadness, today, that I might explode.
I'm not sure I could ever love anyone as much as I love Vivi, and what scares me right now is that (today at least) I don't even want to try anymore. I know that I will, BECAUSE I love her (and what she taught me) so much, but it seems too much to ask at the moment. Waking up tomorrow morning feels like too much to ask. Having a normal conversation without snapping is, as you know if you've tried to talk to me today, too much to ask.
I had some equine therapy today, and an hour or so at Heaven's Gate Farm always helps. And I am sure to have a good weekend, with family, but....when everything in the world sets off tears, resentment, anger, self-pity and thoughts of Vivi, it seems easier to disengage from the world until the hardest bit of these feelings passes by. I know that they will, and I do believe at heart all the positive, spiritual and loving associations I have made, but right now - none of it helps. I'm too angry.